I always pride myself into thinking I am not addicted to any recreational drugs or alcohol and have the power and character to say no to things that I know that are not good for me. But it has come to my attention that I am a serious sugar addict. I cannot get enough of it and it is never too early to have a sugary sweet or chocolate. If only I could live off sweets and chocolate and sustain a good and healthy diet, I can guarantee you I would have the best and sexiest body ever and man would I be so healthy!
I tell myself that I will stop with the sugar….but then I open the pantry in the kitchen and staring right in front of me is that chocolate that I love…and then when it is time to actually eat I am so full of sugar I cannot eat anything and so opt to miss breakfast…or lunch…or supper.
Yesterday It was so cold after work and I was dreaming about the soup that I would eat when I got home…but I had just eaten a slab of chocolate and so instead I showered, climbed into bed and read my kindle and knocked off rather early.
That is the thing with filling your body up with too much sugar. I am just always so tired and ready to climb into bed. Maybe that could be the fact that I have been taking my antidepressants diligently for the past week and a half. I remember how I went onto Wellbutrin back in 2005 and damn did those antidepressants mess up my sleep. I was always tired and asleep before the moon was up and I was up before the sun every day, but man did I have no energy to do anything when I was actually awake.
It is crazy to think how I need medication to level out my emotions and chemical imbalance in my head.
Just saw Sinead O’Connor died. There hasn’t been any mention of how she died but there is mention of Mental History/Disorder, how she lost a son last year to suicide and how as a child she dealt with child abuse. All that does make one assume that she may have committed suicide. It is a scary thought to think how many celebrities and many others who have succumbed to suicide, and it is even scarier to think how I have nearly succumbed to that too. Few months after my marriage I swallowed a handful if not more of Lorien and had to couch them up because my throat and chest burnt from all the pills. I always thought that should I ever commit suicide I would have done it in a more immediate way…. you know bullet to the head so I wouldn’t have to suffer much if any pain and there would be no time where I would be dying and have a moment to wish I wasn’t and regret what I did.
I don’t want to die right now but if I am honest I am not entirely happy with how my life is going right now.
spend most of my work time eating sugar, playing games on my phone, reading off my kindle or just browsing online.
But I don’t have a degree or any skills that would make me worth more than what I do which is minimal. I did study a social media course earlier this year, and I did well but I don’t know what to do with that diploma or knowledge.
My husband and I are going to an adoption seminar next month. And I am so excited for that… I was looking up adoption in South Africa the other day and even though the actual adoption is free the whole process is rather costly. I mean with savings etc. I could make it happen, but I don’t live in an apartment suitable for a child…and I don’t make enough money to keep a child fed and clothed and entertained the way I would want…but I suppose millions of other people do it every day and week and month, I guess so could I.
Having a child would be so wonderful.
Getting to dress him or her up and creating a baby’s room. I have a Pinterest Board for what I would like my Baby’s Nursery to look like.
Okay I am going to go back to work…