Bleeding from my ears

No, I’m not really bleeding, but with all the thoughts going on in my head it feels as if my head will explode at anytime.

I tried to watch a YouTube about God taking bad people out of your life, well not bad but damaging. IDK, I saw the title and saw that the time was 11:11. I have been catching that time a lot lately.  Some say it’s a sign.Who knows?

So anyway, here it is again 11:11 and here is a video about how God works in mysterious ways, so why not. Right off the bat it became clear that this was a Uber far left/right religious thing. I mean I am a Lutheran and I believe and know that God makes a push here and there, but for the most part it’s a freewill kind of thing. This guy was going all “these are demons that God has saved you from”. I hate what Patty did to me, but I don’t consider her a demon.

Honestly, I don’t quite understand what lesson I’m supposed to learn from all this. I mean what is lesson to be learned when you lose the person you loved for 20 years in what seemed to be over the course of one day? What is the lesson when that person, from that point on, treats you like you are a stranger? What is the lesson when your family and friends walk away from you when you needed them the most? What is the lesson when you lose your job eventhough you have gone above and beyond for it?

I have lost all the dreams I have had since I dreamt them. No, at 16, 17, I didn’t dream of having a family and being a father, but when I got my first ex pregnant, all I wanted was to be just that. Yet, I didn’t get to raise my daughter like she deserved to be and now the same with my boys. Infact, they were and are being raised by another man. It doesn’t matter how good he does it, the point is they are mine to raise and it seem as if she, the world, and God wants me not to.

Besides that, I am old. Not busted old, but oddly old. My values are wrong for the modern world and now as I try to find yet another job I have to compete with 2 younger generations who understand it all so much better.

I just feel like a dusty keepsake that has no use, but you can’t bring yourself to throw out.

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January 14, 2023

I’m sorry you are feeling so broken, I am hoping good things are on their way to give you hope.

January 15, 2023

I’m not sure what that lesson should be either.  I feel old too…just a bit out of touch with the world lately.