Poor me

This morning, based on my ever-enjoyable dreams I have, my thoughts are about what I have done for others but have never had much of a return on. I guess right off the bat we’ll talk about Patty’s new view on things. I have written until my fingers are black and blue about how she has become the typical bitter ex-wife for no other reasons but her wanting to, but I got the message today about the fact I didn’t send child support this week. Yes, I am responsible for the boys too, I know this. She was the one who went back on her word about custody though. We had agreed to joint custody and that was the plan right up until I was served the papers. So I get to pay and have weekend visits, but I am not allowed to make decisions or even add my 2 cents to anything. She just loves to itemize what she paid for as if she is all alone and destitute living in a cardboard box. She loves to play the victim of the divorce she created. She loves to be seen as a brave woman who “lept into the unknown by giving up all to strike out on her own”. Thing is, at absolutely no time was she in any sort of trouble or victim of any sort of domestic horrors. She had all our money, and our home, and immediately moved her “simp” future husband in on the day I moved out.  I, on the other hand, slept in my car, went days without eating, woke up in the ER, lost everything from money to friends, and became the ire of everyone for something I had never done to Patty ever.

“I just spent $180 on Ethan’s clarinet,” she says. This is the first I have heard of him actually wanting to play one. She doesn’t seem to recognize that Jonathan has a $1500 laptop I am paying off and Morgen has a $300 computer graphic drawing kit and a $600 game system that they all share. Yet, I miss a week of support because I need to pay my $715 rent, while she lives in the mortgage-free home.

I would totally accept my blame for my failed marriage if I personally did something to cause it. Every marriage I know of unless there were millions of dollars going into it, has financial issues. We had financial issues. Not mine, not hers, but our financial problems. She never said “NO” to the purchases and sacrifices. Yet, I was the blame and I became to reason. So, brave Patty made the “hard” choice of cheating and leaving me for an older man with a couple of thousand dollars saved, stuck me with all the debt but took all the “stuff” and she somehow crawled out of the dark black hole of misery she was locked in because of me.

On FaceBook because sometimes I get personal several people have decided that I am going to be their “feel good” act of the week. They have never known me at all, just a casual greeting from time to time. They give me their advice and experiences that have absolutely nothing to do with my problems and then become totally irate and pissed off when I don’t fall in line with their beliefs. A lot of them are what I will call “pretty people”. Now, pretty people can have “ouchies” too, I do realize that, but when their “problems” happen they have several people there for them to support and south the hurt. They feel alone because they choose to and never because they are. They just do not understand how I can be so depressed and down at life when every time the “shit hits the fan” for them it always works out. There is always a helpful person when they ask, always a friend when they look, and always a “partner” when they are alone, so why am I being such a “Debby Downer”? Why don’t I just get out there and shake it off as they can? And Dear God, do not make them feel bad or bothered with my “poor me” posts on the FaceBook feed.

Maybe everyone is right about me. Maybe I am right about myself. I don’t think I could handle a relationship of any kind right now and before you say “Well you have to be happy and in love with yourself first” stuff, I am satisfied with myself. Am I overweight? Am I lonely? Would I be happier, could I be happier? Sure, but at this moment I can live with myself how I am. If anything, maybe having some more money so I can have a sense of security again would be great. Having to crawl out of the deep hole I was tossed in by her isn’t the “life of a swinging bachelor” everyone thinks I have. I do have some insecurities because of money and health issues. Not that I couldn’t be an honest, loyal, and loving partner or friend, but enough to play on the mind because of the total blindsided divorce and loss of people that happened. “You need to get your confidence back,” they say. How? How do you get that back when you never get an opportunity to test that confidence?