So what if I am?

So, begrudgingly I have to admit my Open Diary friend, OpposingSimplicity, is somewhat right (Don’t let it go to your head…LOL)  and I do still suffer from what now is apparently wasted love for my ex and the life I had.

I have spent the last 3 years with a belief that she did what she did, not because of a loss for love of me, but the so-called “need for security and finances” thing that a lot of women say they cheated or left their significant other for.  I allowed my thinking to go to the “she doesn’t really love him for LOVE” just for the things he can give her that I couldn’t. Although in reality, he lives in what was my house, uses the tools I had to leave behind, and essentially up until 7 months ago, was driving a car that was in my name that was a victim in the divorce along with being married

You see, Patty, my ex, came into my life at a point where I was low in life, that is until now. My 1st ex had all about destroyed what youthful confidence I had. Patty was all I ever wanted in a partner and was right up until she wasn’t. Yeah, shoot me, I was to blindly in love with her and our family to spot or see any “chinks” in the armor. I love to explain my feelings in odd examples, always have.

So imagine you’re one of those wind turbine repair guys and you get up there, hundreds of feet above the Earth. You are doing everything you should, but then the only way down is gone in a “blink”. You call out on your radio for help, for answers and you get nothing. Eventually the batteries die and that radio is useless and you are still stuck in that situation all alone on top of that turbine.  After the initial shock of what’s happened, you “help yourself” or at least try to, and somehow get to place up there you can attempt to jump over to the rung of the ladder on the side of the tower. You make the leap and miss the first, second, third rungs and finally catch the forth. The way down, you feel the strain all over from the effort you are making climbing down. Your hands are bleeding from the metal spurs on the rungs. 

Now, you have made it back to the ground and see familiar faces. You look around to the one who said they would never leave you up there alone and they are nowhere in sight. You ask the ones that are, “Didn’t you hear my calls?” They say they did, but didn’t know what to say in return and honestly, they had problems of their own. “Well I made it down, but I’m hurting and could still use some help,”  you say, standing there beaten and bloodied from the climb down. “Why? You’re down now, and really it’s been so long, no one cares.”

But to you, it still hurts, you’re still scared as F$%^. The time getting down still in your mind and the fact that you know that they knew you need help, but chose to ignore you, even though when they were stuck up there, you had moved Heaven and Earth to help and rescue them. You sit down to catch your breath for a second. When you stand to go home, you look around and find that without a single “goodbye” they have all left you there alone again without any way of getting to where you need to be other than walking, broken, beaten, bloody, and just so tired. All you want to do is lay down and die, but you keep thinking, “I have to be there if someone needs me.” So you limp your way back, people in the passing cars and trucks, some you recognize from the past, either blow right by you or slow down enough to say “HI” and “you can do it,” but when ask them for a ride, they say, “Oh, gee, sorry there’s just no room in the car,” as they roll up their window in the empty vehicle and speed away….

That’s how I feel. Occasionally on the road I look up at the roadside ad signs(Open Diary, FaceBook groups) and see the inspirational sayings. They’re nice, but don’t do anything for the injuries that could use some assistance and the shoulder to hold yourself up for maybe, a couple miles on the road. Just me and my thoughts, on a pitch black night limping down a pot holed road, hoping that the next corner will be the one I need, but knowing it really isn’t.

So Yeah, I hold onto the past. It seams a lot more “brighter” than the dark road I’ve been forced to walk even though I never did anything, but do the work like I should.

*** Yes, I am that much of a mess, but not to be unappreciative, I really could use a real world flesh and blood friend. Something I haven’t had in close to 3 years, literally it’s been that way except for the kid’s visits that are awesome, but always end with me having to see “home” and being miles away from ever getting there.***