The boys

I’m not sure why, but I almost feel like I am just a novelty to my sons. Not to be taken seriously, but kind of included out of pity.

I guess for me, life works differently. I had what comes down to a total mentaly and emotional break a few years ago without any sort of support from family or friends. I was told not to talk to the boys about it from the same people who refused to talk to me about it. What little support I managed to fund faded away as fast as it came.

Was I not allowed to “lose it”? Was I not allowed to shut down some?

So why is it these people around me who give me shit are allowed to ignore me when they choose? They can have their anxiety days and say such hurtful shit to me? They can cheat, lie, and end a marriage and people just go on as nothing happened, but the one moment I feel somewhat sorry for myself, I’m selfish and narcissistic.

“Well, you’re the one who disappeared.”

Yes, there was a very legitimate reason I did for almost a year, but no one cared. No one sat with the boys telling them that Dad lives them, but he’s very hurt. That he has abandoned them. They all wounded me and complained when I said it hurt, never once addressing what had happened and then one day bitching about me not letting it go. It’s like murdering someone and a few months later saying “what’s done is done” to the rotten corpse and getting mad that the corpse hasn’t moved or cleaned up their own murder site.

No one but me, the hurt one, has any guilt or even compassion about what I’ve gone through. I have some sort of messed up guilt about it all and every effort I have tried to do is feeling like it’s too late.

Like I said, my kids love me, I know, but it’s never going to be the relationship I always wanted from the first time I held each one in the delivery room. It just isn’t anymore. Now it’s a novelty. Spending the night at dad’s. Going for some fries. Stopping for 2 seconds to say hi. Nothing significant. Yes, make new memories. That to me still feels like the novelty. It’s not:

“Dad can you help me with homework”

“Dad come quick, Ethan fell off his bike”

” Daddy can I sleep with you, I had a nightmare”

“Dad can you teach me to shave”

She took all that from me and gave it to another. Sure they don’t call him Dad, but he’s the first to be asked, the first to be told.

If this was all because of finances and losing love, then way has it became such a vindictive push me out of their lives thing?

“Just talk to me about the boys,” she says. Then when I do it turns into the,” you owe $$$ for child support”. Not a how should we go about this or that. Not about an united front.

I’m just the guy who is supposed to pay and shut the fuck up, sometimes being allowed to enjoy their company.