It’s October 25th. Just another day. Right?
Today should be a fabulous day but it won’t be. Captain D had proclaimed 6 weeks ago he needed to be divorced by today. You know, his Vegas trip to get hookers. Can’t be unfaithful 🙄 I asked my attorney last week if I could sign yet. No, he wanted two more minor changes. Nothing since. I’m sure it’s not done. I’m sure he was hoping I’d suddenly have doubts and beg him to save this sunken ship that’s rotting on the ocean floor. That’s what he does. He gives me deadlines so I cry and beg before them. Not this time. This time it’s already too late. It’s already decomposing on that floor.
I just want to be divorced already. That’s all I want. Not much. I want to change my name. I want to have no ties to him. I want to refinance my house and save money. I want to be done. Quite often I feel like it’ll never be done. He’s going to want a minor change every single week. And the changes don’t even affect shit. Give it up already, drop the control and let me live freely without your presence always hanging over my head. Please?
I’m at 3 or 4 weeks with zero contact. None. I want it over. Now.
Yesterday’s grocery trip was rough. Picking pumpkins and see his stepdad walk in. He never comes to town alone. Which means his psycho wife saw me outside and refused to go in. Sending him in to get a couple things. I felt sadness. Sadness I just can’t talk to him. Yet, he looked good. But I also felt slight joy – Joy she’d stay in the car. Joy she only can be a bitch to me when she has back up and looks like she’s in control. Without her sister in a restaurant I’m forced to be nice in she’s got nothing. I’m sure she played the victim to the husband. I have no doubts. I’ve learned this is where Captain D got his narcissistic traits. Her. That. Next up was the Judge. I’m seriously going to start shopping at bedtime. She was oddly nice. Like genuinely said hello and asked how I was. A simple hi and good and I kept walking. Maybe she isn’t on his side as much as I believed. Or maybe she’s just that fake. Of course, I’ve analyzed the shit out of that exchange.
Max gets lots of credit this week. As usual. He told me last week I have to accept he’s not an inconsiderate asshole. Yes, I have issues and yes I constantly fear I’ll upset him. He constantly tells me to make plans. So I did and told him what they were. He replied with “and that’s why you’re my favorite”. I was seriously so anxious he’d be upset. I finally told him the truth was that anytime I made plans, even simply setting a time for holiday dinners which is necessary I got a “fuck you. Don’t plan my life. Do you understand? If you don’t change I’m leaving you.” Every. Single. Time. To the point I didn’t even invite him. I just did whatever and left a note. He was happy with the plans. We had a nice dinner with his sister. Got some shit done.
Yesterday he asked if I’d consider making fruit pizza for his work Halloween party. It’s potluck. Everyone brings something and his coworkers all liked that idea. Sure. I actually absolutely love making stuff for things like that. Again, something I was never “allowed” to do. Anytime he had an event I’d offer and get – Fuck that, I’m not doing anything for these people. So, tho it was work for me it felt good.
Tonight I was supposed to keep the baby and forgot I had eyelashes at 5. I asked if he’d want a baby alone – Sure what time? That’s it. No “quit making your problem my problem”. Nothing. Just sure. And some questions on what he could do with a baby. (Funny questions, like can I go through totes, can I play a video game.). Uhhh, yeah do whatever. He can play in his toy while you do totes and will probably sleep through video games. Just be sure he’s fed and it screaming. Okay, cool, we will be fine without you.
It’s little things like this that mean a ton. It’s just hard to accept the extreme change. To deal with it. To know the bottom won’t fall out or I won’t face huge repercussions after. I like it. Love it.
So I may never be divorced but at least I’m slowly learning what happiness is supposed to feel like in the meantime.