What the actual fuck am I doing?? Why the fuck am I thinking that getting involved with Straight Girl is anything even remotely close to a good idea?? It’s very obviously not but pop that self destruct button in front of me and watch me reach out and smack it. Is it just that my ego is craving any sort of affection? Do I really require this level of validation? Or am I just dumb enough to think that this actually could be nothing more than companionship and a bit of fun? What if she does discover that she’s not straight after all? What if it is me she wants? What if she does actually develop feelings for me? Would it be so bad after all? There’s no way that I can open up to this chick just yet, but why should I complete isolate myself until I start to make progress in therapy? I can’t pin everything on getting back in to therapy and getting my head sorted, mainly because that’s completely unrealistic but then I can’t keep running away from every possible relationship either. I’m ready to move on, to close that chapter in my life, but I’m so far out to sea with it that I can’t see the shore. I don’t know which way to turn. I want to believe the things that people tell me, I’m just so scarred that I’m scared. I’m scared to make connections with people because I have NO fucking clue if there’s sincerity to any of what they’re saying, or if they just want to make me feel better so that I’ll fuck off. I’ve spent a lifetime being told I’m a burden, how am I meant to believe that people actually want to be around me, let alone that they might interested in me?
Maybe I should let go and just leap in to whatever this is with SG, after all everything I’ve ever thought was a good idea has always turned out to be quite spectacularly the opposite. Should I just leap out of the fire and in to the flame? Throw all caution to the wind and go with the fuck it flow. I’m fucked if I know what I’m doing, or what I should do. I’ve been making bad decisions unconsciously for my entire adult life, how bad could it be to consciously make a bad decision? I can hear my heart and my head screaming “That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said” in unison, but when have they ever led me down the right path??
I can’t sleep. I’m lay here wide awake with the urge racing through my veins. Maybe my trip to Rock Bottom wasn’t a day trip, maybe I need to kick about down here for a little while but without collecting souvenirs. I’m completely med-free at the moment. I started the new meds this morning. I need them to work and I need them to work fast. I also need Mo to pull their fingers put with an appointment soon. As much as I journal, as helpful as it is, I think all I’m doing is taking what I’m feeling and creating questions. I don’t think I’m coming to any answers. Maybe that’s where therapy comes in to it? You’d think I’d know this shit after 20+ years of being bounced in and out of therapy. You’d think I’d be a pro at self reflection, but honestly, self-reflection, self-care, self-love, it all just makes me want to crawl up my own arse and stick pins in my colon. I honestly can’t think of anything worse than having to look deep inside myself and “make connections with who I am.” How am I supposed to connect with myself when I more or less hate myself?
I have my strengths; I’m very capable, I’m good to have around in an actual crisis. I can stay grounded when all around me are flapping. I’m very academically capable and coherent. I’m trying to focus on my strengths and good points here, I know I have my weaknesses, I am my biggest weakness. I know I have my bad points, but right now I’m trying to focus on the positive in the hope that I can trick my brain into learning that I can be my own best friend rather than my own worst enemy. Apparently my honesty is a strength…right up until I actually use it with others. Then they think I’m an arsehole. Maybe I am? Or maybe they are for thinking that honesty is a bad thing?
Speaking of being an honest arsehole; I asked Straight Girl about the whole Valentine Debacle. She understood that obviously Pidge and Bub come first at all costs. I made the mistake of asking what our deal is, what her expectations are. She has no clue what she’s expecting and wanted to know what my thoughts are. So I told her. Big mistake? I asked her outright if I’m just a token part of her sexual confusion or if I’m just part of sort of sexual fantasy, OR is she actually thinking she’s not straight and I’m the lesbian equivalent of sticking your toe in the bath to see if it’s right for her before she adjusts accordingly and settles down with someone else. She called me a dick and told me that she’s questioning NOT confused but that she wants to make her own way down the rainbow path privately before she starts opening up to the world. So that made it all about as clear as mud. Well done Kit, well fucking done.