“Say what you want to say, let the words fall out, honestly, I want to see you be brave…” – Sara Barellies (Brave)
So it would seem nightmares do come true after all. He’s been deployed recently. So I get to spend this year desperately hoping that he only lands here to put his head down and then fucks off out of it. I can honestly live without ever seeing his fucking smug bastarding face ever again.
I wasn’t quite so calm about it earlier. I had to WiFi call Dana (a mutual friend) after she emailed me to let me know. The world literally came to a stop as the blood sank to my feet. I was physically shaking at thought of it, and yes I know that he’s not coming after or anything like that, but for fucks sakes come on, can I just one week where nothing happens? Please? Well it’s sure as shit not this week. Cue me having another meff off fucking panic attack in college but Rita to the rescue, which kind of helped given that I’d hit a point where I was actually ready to give the college counsellor a shot but no, turns out they’re about as useful as a chocolate fireguard in the middle of winter. I’m stood there shaking like a shitting dog and trying to somehow string a coherent sentence together but the woman behind the desk is talking to me about emailing my student advisor and going on a waiting list. Oh alrighty then, excuse me whilst I go hold my breath under the river. Fuck right off duck. Once again, Rita to the rescue with the details of a hypnotherapist to check out tomorrow. Which is just across the road. Handy although could possibly be a bit awkward when I’ve ran out to the shop for a loaf of bread and they’re there for dog food knowing what a fucking mess I am inside. I’ve found another one to check out in town as well, just in case I lose my bottle.
I’m meant to be seeing Straight Girl tomorrow. I will meet up with her, I want to check out Tim Horton’s coffee and see if it’s up to scratch. I will not let today rumble over to tomorrow. I don’t which way to play it though. One of the girls is completely loved up, she’s a lovely wee thing, she deserves some happiness. Makes me wonder why I keep attracting these complete headfucks, sociopaths and other assorted walking, talking Personality Disorders. They can obviously smell the self-loathing and that’s how they get their kicks. I want to be as happy as she is, but I want to do it without the co-dependancy. I want happiness and then MAYBE a relationship; not happiness as the result of a relationship.
What does it even afford me to be investing all this emotional labout into this girl? I need to seriously sit and think this through. I need to somehow disarm the self destruct mechanism that I’ve set off again.
This is exactly why I keep my kids seperate to my social life.