Organizing My Thoughts

It’s been getting better. I mean to start I cleaned my apartment, I’m doing my laundry, and I’m getting back into a better headspace. I’m still super behind with school, but hopefully I can fix that tomorrow. I’m planning on waking up at 6:00 A.M. to start preparing myself to start work on Monday. Since I don’t have much planned for the week besides preparing myself, I’m thinking I’ll go work out in the morning and then go to my favorite coffee shop to school work. Hopefully doing that everyday this week will get me caught back up. I wish I had been doing this from the start, but my mind has been pretty broken. I’m thankful to be in therapy, but I did not expect it to make my mental state worse. I guess that’s what happens when you bring up repressed emotions. I might ask for anti-anxiety medication on Wednesday. I think I’m scared of being “normal” though. I don’t want to be some mindless zombie just getting through life. I want to be truly happy. I’ve felt it before, and I always hope to get back to it. Maybe it’s just not realistic though. I’m chasing a feeling that has only ever lasted a moment. Maybe I’m not running from anything inside of me, but running to see to if I can find that feeling again. I haven’t felt it in so long though. I think the last moment of pure bliss I can remember is taking molly in Telluride and riding the gondola back and forth and staring at the stars. Nothing else mattered in that moment… actually now that I think about it the last time I felt that was when I was drunk on a plane with my best friend and we couldn’t stop laughing while watching Austin Powers. I’m sure people were annoyed, but we were having the best time. I might be a little chaotic, but it’s one of the best parts of me. It’s what allows me to love deeper. She rarely ever comes out because of fear of being hurt, but when that part does come out.. oh boy. It might be a little dangerous.

Now that I’m siting here discussing it though.. I’m realizing that it probably isn’t healthy. Is healthy fun though? Is it deep? Where is the balance?? Cause I can never seem to find it.

I miss Malachi.

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