So my mental state is a complete mess and now that I cannot self harm even if I really feel the urge, I’m definitely noticing thoughts of self harm through restricting are becoming very prominent. I don’t know why I feel the need to hurt myself but I do. I’d so love to slit my wrist tonight deeply but know that i cannot now that MCFD Is back and watching my every move. However, the sad reality is, Even though they are back, I am still not ok. Now I just have to resort to my eating disorder as self punishment as I know I won’t get in trouble for that and it will take months for them to see drastic change. So here I am. Back at square one. Still hopeless as hell. Still lost. Still not ok. But I will get there. I have faith.