Mental mess

So my mental state is a complete mess and now that I cannot self harm even if I really feel the urge, I’m definitely noticing thoughts of self harm through restricting are becoming very prominent. I don’t know why I feel the need to hurt myself but I do. I’d so love to slit my wrist tonight deeply but know that i cannot now that MCFD  Is back and watching my every move. However, the sad reality is, Even though they are  back, I am still not ok. Now I just have to resort to my eating disorder as self punishment as I know I won’t get in trouble for that and it will take months for them to see drastic change. So here I am. Back at square one. Still hopeless as hell. Still lost. Still not ok. But I will get there. I have faith.

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June 18, 2020

Don’t think you’re fooling them. It will not take months if someone near you who KNOWS you do this **tells them**. Also, they’re onto you and they already know to watch out for any and all means of self-harm (which your eating disorder IS TOO).

Why DO you feel you have to “punish” yourself for anything?

June 18, 2020

Maybe you need a group of people who are going threw the same or similar things as you and together you can all come to some sort of solution?  Is there a group like AA where you can all meet like once a week?

June 18, 2020

Here’s a question that I have to ask myself, so it may be useful to you:

What are your thoughts right before you have thoughts of self-harm (regardless of how your brain tells you to do it)? Figuring out what you are thinking that triggers the direct line to self-harm thoughts might be a piece of the puzzle.

For me, it’s my brain running a laundry list of “failures” in my life that, measured against some internal measuring stick, I’m not “good enough”. This leads (for me) directly to feelings of hopelessness and… down the rabbit hole.

(((hugs))) I know this is hard. One step at a time. One moment at a time. You CAN do this.