So, I started restricting again on May, 11th of this year. It started at first as a way to keep myself from self harming by cutting and overdosing. I knew those would eventually get me into trouble again and I didn’t want to take that risk. Sadly, I find it’s much easier to hide an eating disorder and not be punished for it. It’s slow progress and usually everyone views “watching your weight” as a healthy thing, and so it’s much less troubling. I can say that it isn’t a healthy way of coping but it is much better than slitting my wrists or taking a concoction of random pills. I do however see myself spiralling down a dark path. Since May 11th, I’ve lost 10lbs. I know before I used to lose a lot more faster but I also know my methods aren’t healthy and that worries me to an extent. The sad part is, the happiness I feel when I first weigh myself in the morning and see that the scale go down is just so hard to let go of. The scale literally dictates my mood for the day. If it’s up, I just feel miserable and anxious and pushed to restrict more. Ironically, if the scale is down, I also feel a rush to restrict more and get it even lower. Both outcomes encourage and push me to try harder and lose more. Kinda a lose lose situation. I do know that the second I go back to normal eating I’ll gain it all back and more because I’m screwing my metabolism. I really wish my self destructive ways were over. I don’t think they will ever really be gone.