As things become more real

Things are becoming more and more real.

This part of chapters of my book is over. I’m not even sure which part I would be one in my book, but this one is actually coming to a close.

Obviously, I have children with this man so there will always be some cross over from this part to other parts but the relationship that created it all, it has run its course.

The saddest part of it all is that my youngest child has asked me to not leave until they are 18. That is a very long time but they have anxiety and OCD to an extreme degree and the disruption has them terrified beyond words. But they also know that it is over. After all they are the one that with their older sibling came to me and told that I deserved to be with someone who actually loves me.

So I get to exist in this home, that luckily has a basement that I can live in, under the same roof as him and I really do not want to.

I don’t know that I can find true happiness for me if I am forced to have him in my every day life. Yes, this could be great for coparenting but I do not want to exist this way.

The pain that was inflicted upon me for over two decades would be a reality I would have no ability to escape and I am sick of those wounds never being able to heal.

I am lucky that with my work I will be out of state for about 1/3 of the year and that helps a lot. It also helps me save up money for buying my own home soon. An extra $35-60,000 a year in overtime will truly give me what I need for that.

If I could still have my children, I would turn back my calendar to Friday March 20, 1998 and I would have gone out with friends that night instead of getting online. But I know that is not realistic as I only have them because they are half of him.

It’s one diddle that can’t be undone.