Excerpt from a Letter I Will Never Send, Part 1

Fuck you.

I swore to myself that would never be something I would say to you with any serious meaning behind it, and I guess since you’ll never read this, I’ve kept my promise.  But seriously, fuck you.  How could you do this to me?  To our families?  How could you string me along for 8 YEARS???  I will never understand.  I often feel like I will never be able to forgive you, but I know that if I ever hope to move on with my life, I will need to learn how to do that sooner or later.

There are many days when I am filled to my brim with anger and resentment towards you.  I’ve bottled so much in these last 8 years.  There has been so much I’ve wanted to say to you, should have said to you, but didn’t.  Because I knew you wouldn’t react.  I knew you wouldn’t be willing or able to have a conversation with me about it that had any real meaning.  Even now, you speak in vagaries.  When I ask how you’ve been doing, you say something flippant like, “it’s peaks and valleys.”  What the actual fuck does that even MEAN, Joe??  Why can’t you ever say anything REAL?  Maybe something like, “there are days when I feel content with this decision and days when I miss you and our life.  Sometimes I fear I will regret it and sometimes I know I won’t.”  Do you even KNOW how you feel?  Are you even capable of naming your emotions at all?

I wish there was some way for me to find closure.  But I will never really know why you have done this.  I will never really understand why you’ve chosen to turn your back on me and us and what we could have had.  I will forever wonder what might have been.  And I hate you for it.

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September 18, 2018

i feel this.