This is painful

I want this feeling to go away. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling so down. I want to be alone but I had to move back with mom and sis. I need time to regroup and I can’t do that with folks who think we’re supposed to spend every day or hour together. I’m gonna be honest here and say I really don’t want to be here. I wish I could have just moved into my own place in NC. I struggled to find work, have money, and i failed. Then came the relationship problems. So many reasons to leave, but I kept giving him chance after chance to get it right. The arguments hurt because he was mean, especially when stressed. I was never appreciated for what I do, just criticized for what I wasn’t doing. Was accused of not trying or caring enough. He’s done things that I just cannot forget, things he doesn’t think I know or remember. I can’t talk to him about those things. He doesn’t wanna be held responsible for his part of our issues. He tells me I live in the past, but I never get to heal from them before something else comes along to cause stress in the house. 

With all that being said, I miss him. I’ve been trying to deal with reality. I still love him. I mean, that just doesn’t go away overnight. I haven’t seen him since he helped me get my things in moms house. He has texted me, but we hadn’t really spoken much. We never talked about what went wrong. He told me he was heading back home today. I’m not sure if he’s on the road yet, but this morning he said he was missing me and that he didn’t wanna go back without me. I knew this was coming, but I didn’t think it would be so soon. Before he even left to go back. I wish I could, but if I’m gonna heal and move on, going back would not be a good idea. I told him I will miss him. He asked if I would come back ASAP and that his door was always open for me. This whole exchange made me cry so it took me a while to respond. I said I’ll see what I can do (not that I have plans to go anytime soon), and that I will pray for his safe return and that I was sorry I couldn’t go with him. 

He’s feeling it now, and is sad and down. I am so down it’s not even funny. My head hurts from crying. I don’t wanna be here. I wish I was going back with him. If anything, I wish I could have stayed there and just got my own place. My mom thought I was gonna go back, but I’m baffled why she thought I would move all my things here and then go back. Sometimes her thinking is off lol.  I really wish that I could have gone back, or stayed but the circumstances got to be too much for me. Why couldn’t it have worked out? If he had tried as much as I did, we would have. He broke my trust and my heart, and I’ll never forget that. I just wanna get over this and move on.  I don’t wanna cry anymore.