I had a good therapy session today. She had me write a letter to my younger self and read it out loud. She also asked me a question that I’ve never thought of before. “Why are you able to set boundaries with your dad, but when it comes to your mom you accept her for who she is even in times that she causes you pain, and boundaries should be set?”.
My dads love feels unconditional. I know he loves me no matter what, but his opinions on what my life should be are too loud, which causes my voice to get lost. Hence why I set boundaries. If he brings something up that’s crossing a line I tell him to stop, and does. Rinse and repeat unfortunately but he doesn’t push the topic any further, until the next time we’re together. I can’t change who he is, but I won’t allow his voice to be louder than mine when it comes to my life.
With my mom, I don’t tell her to stop. She feels safe to me. I go to her for comfort, and I come as I am no matter how low I’m feeling. She doesn’t give opinions like my dad, she lets me sit in my sadness and we watch movies to forget. But, she asks me a lot of questions. Questions that I don’t want to talk about because I haven’t had the discussion with myself yet. She pushes her way into passions of mine, trying to push me to be the best, but then I loose that passion. She takes things too far, and I loose pieces of me trying to pick up hers. With my mom, I accept her for who she is. I don’t set boundaries. Her love feels conditional. Conditional on the fact that I add to her life as much as she adds to mine. Conditional that I choose her in times I need comfort. Conditional that I’m a daughter she can be proud of. Maybe I’m wrong. But the person I go to the most, the love doesn’t feel selfless. With her I think I’m fearful that if I attempt to set a boundary it’ll push her away completely.