why is trauma my identity

I have so many thoughts in my head it makes me unwell. My mouth can’t keep up with my thoughts and my thoughts can’t keep up with my feelings.

I need to empty my brain out and put all of my thoughts in written words just to even understand how I feel about basic things. It’s exhausting.

I’m doing therapy to improve my mental health,  develop my own identity and build my self esteem which I know will be good for me but i’m at the introspection stage, trying to work out why I am the way I am, and all I see is trauma. I know I had happy, beautiful experiences, I know I was loved and cared for but when I look at myself now, all I see is a reflection of the bad things that happened to me with very little of the good.

I can acknowledge, intellectualise and even make jokes about the things that have happened to me, but I can’t de-center them from my thoughts, feelings and self image.

I’m taking it day by day, step by step and I do feel hopeful that things will be better one day. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, so I hope this is helpful for others who are struggling too.