I miss you

28 April 2021

Today I miss you.  Yeah, don’t know, really miss you. Then I start to imagine. I imagine you touch me, we are doing this that kissing and things. You said something about a joyful trip with your friend, someone who you admired, loved his work, his poetry and his soul. Then I start to dream, of a trip with you, sometimes, someday, even though knowing that it probably will never happen. We would be very happy, I guess, even if we might just end up doing mundane things like watching a small puppet show, sitting next to each other sharing a slide of cake (and yes, I can’t eat cake, my current diet does not allow me to, but I’d eat cake with you), a cup of coffee (and yes, coffee reminds me of you as well, as one of my poems hints that you are my coffee). And yes… almost everything will remind me of you, when I have time to think and to relax…

I know my English is not so good. But similar to my mother tongue, I need to practice, after years of not writing in English. And my Latino words are not good, I know. Hic. Again, I still believe that with time, with a lot of writing, I will get better. So I’m using our love, I’m using you, as a chance of practice. Love is the foremost thing, if not only, that is appealing to me, as you mentioned before “you have a problem, that is, your heart is so young, baby”.

I attended a conference today, virtual, of course. What can we expect in this time of covid-19? My province was locked down starting 8am today, and yesterday we had a very long line at the supermarket. We spent a huge chunk of money there just because I sent a bit of my urgent-buying-sheltering-staying-at-home mentality to the shopping cart. Food, medicine, frozen meals, meat, vegetables, fruits, canned food, etc. A full cart! But let’s go back to my conference. It’s a teaching conference, and whereas I myself don’t find it too interesting, I attended the sessions and noted things down – some may be useful someday. I’m trying to show some commitment to my current career, you see, and hopefully to learn something useful along the line.

The first day of the conference ends with a zumba session. It’s fun. I have never done zumba before and surprisingly find that I kind of like it, whereas I’m not open much to any form of physical exercise. Maybe I will consider adding it to my list of limited activities that I can do: light yoga, falun gong, and now a bit of zumba, maybe, why not. While I’m moving my body with the music following the instructor’s movements, I suddenly think of you, and think that “Oh, you will never do this, you will be too shy for this”. You’d rather do martial arts, jogging, running, swimming or cycling, more manly forms of sports. And yes, I missed you still.

Whenever we had long conversation, I always feel full and satisfied, like after a presumptuous meal (let me be frank, I could not find the correct word that I mean here, but I just want to continue writing, so it is). Like your words fill in my void, you fill me with your love and your feelings. I sigh… a satisfied sigh, as if we are sitting next to each other and kissing each other, even though I have never kissed you before, and probably will never. Like we are very close. Out of the few thousand miles we are apart, our minds and our hearts sit next to each other, holding, intertwined. I don’t know, it just feels funny expressing my feelings for you in a different language. And please don’t laugh if I’m too clumsy with words. I know, I am. 🙂 🙂

I will write more, and I will keep it here. Whenever you miss me, you can read this, to know that I’m always with you. Whenever I’m sad, I can always read this, so I know you are with me here, in my mind, and never leave me. It is, a new experience to me, to express our love by a different language, to love you by another tongue (not our mother tongue). See, I’m also a bit cheeky! I feel like I write a lot but I do not manage to express all the things I want to say, but I don’t want to keep this entry too long. Maybe, I should just keep writing, my writing will be better, hopefully. Sometimes, someday…

Till then, I’d keep writing. For you. For me. For us. For eternity.


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