Today is just a reminder

So this morning he brought to my attention that today Is the day we started talking again 4 years ago. But after last year this is no longer our “anniversary”. He was talking to a girl (almost 20 years younger than him) behind my back. This time last year he could care less about our anniversary and was talking to me like I wasn’t anything. Then by the 3rd of October last year he ran off to go screw her and ignored my text messages by either blocking me or cutting airplane mode on. By the 4th of October he still wasn’t talking to me and act like life was normal because I had people telling me he was posting on tiktok. He blocked me on everything we joined online together. By the 6th I messaged him asking him how come it’s so easy for him? Stupid I know! His response was a link to a YouTube song but the song and video was basically about someone sucking the life out of them. He says that’s not what he meant but I still question it. After a week he finally contacts me and of all things it was about the weather.

Anyway, it made me pissy when he mentioned the anniversary. My thoughts are “Well you didn’t give a fuck last year. So why do you care now?” Then for some reason he said September 28th popped in his head and he didn’t know why the importance of it. He asked if maybe I knew? I snapped and said “fuck if I know”. Then he kept on about it so I was pretty blunt and said “Probably because that’s when you talked to (I’ll refrain from putting what I really called her).” Well that’s the time frame he has given me. He has never straight up said how long they started talking and exactly when. He keeps shit from me. Hell I didn’t find out about the age difference till recently. That’s still something I’m struggling with.

But seriously how am I supposed to know the importance of the 28th? He claims she was just a “fuck” but it was more than that I’m sure of it. So the 28th might have a deep meaning for him and her.

He has some nerve to act like today is something special. Maybe I’m just too dramatic but he killed this so called anniversary we have. If he didn’t care enough last year what makes this year so different? It’s absolutely bullshit.

We fussed this morning because of me snapping. But it didn’t help he kept throwing shots at me over and over after. Instead of having a conversation and dealing with the issues it turned into childish bullshit. He can’t handle being the bad guy so he will constantly throw me under the bus with him. Why? I guess to see his point of view and just his alone. We have never had a deep adult conversation about this since it happened. It has always been him punching back. I’m not saying I’ve treated him perfectly but I’ve always ended up backing down and apologizing for not listening. Might take me a while but I always end up apologizing for my behavior. But by God I’m not apologizing for this morning. It was absolutely bullshit. And I think it’s absolute bullshit he shows no remorse or empathy. He says he feels bad but he has never shown it to me.

I get why relationships don’t last with him now. If he is the type of person that has to always be in the right who wants to be in a relationship like that? I didn’t think he was like that. Who am I kidding? I didn’t think he was a lot of things and he has surprised me left and right.

Yeah I know it has been a year and it should be easier for me by now. I do know that most people get over things rather quickly. But I have anxiety and clinical depression. I dwell on things and it takes me a little longer to handle. Keep in mind also I just found out her name and age not long ago. While that might not be a big deal to some it’s a big deal to me.

I get how stupid I look. I know it looks pretty dumb to try so hard even after betrayal but I can’t help but love him.

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