Entry 4: testing the waters

I’m kind of just looking for excuses to stay up past my new bedtime now. I pulled my hip last night dancing a little in the bathroom when the floor was wet. So my reason tonight was I was icing my back and cant do it in bed because the chair back props the ice pack up. Also I was drinking iced tea. Was I supposed to pour it down the drain? He didn’t wake up anyway.  But with this thing you have to have reasons ahead of time. And an explanation for those reasons. It only helps a little. I think it has dementia as well as liver disease. It remembers nothing. Things it knew for years. Names of pets we’ve had, events that happened. It even makes up stuff that never did happen and truly believes it. One thing I think is super odd is, a relative died and he didn’t know I ever met them. We used to live on the same street and they had a store I used to go to. He didn’t even remember the store. He LIVED NEXT TO THE STORE. For YEARS. He also didn’t remember being there when I was born😂 I told my mom I’m erasing parts of history and that now he never really was there. I honestly don’t think I will even need therapy for anything he has done once he’s gone. Maybe habits I’ve picked up because of it, but I’m letting everything else go. None of it will matter then. We’re redoing the house then. New couch, one the dogs will love. We can leave our stuff out. The thing takes things that he knows we want. Books, crystals, one shoe. He steals money too, but it’s creepy how he steals things just so you won’t have them. I’m going to put our doll collection out. He told us we have no room for more dolls. I once brought a table home someone gave away and he told me it was a piece of shit. I brought another one home one day and as me and my mom were bringing it up the steps we heard him screaming from inside the house at us that there was no room. My mom told him it was just a small table for my room. He mocked her. He literally never saw the table again because it’s right here in my room. I’m making the place ambient then. And the animals can dig on the furniture and not get told to get down. Life will be calm.