implication

After it ended, he got back together with his ex-girlfriend, the love of his life; I wouldn’t ever go as far as to assume that they had a healthy relationship by any means, but I do know that he practically worshipped the ground she walked on. Quite contrary to how he felt toward me.

He brought her into the restaurant one day shortly thereafter, roses and all, and sat at the closest table directly in my view… the picturesque epitome of a doting gentleman; combined with the way he’d occasionally look up at me – as if he were waiting for a reaction – I assumed his sociopathic goal was to stir up a sense of jealousy…which seemed absurd to me at the time, how he could be so incredibly delusional as to think I would actually WANT him. When he was 100% cognizant of the fact he abused me. And who the fuck would want that.

But I think I get it now. It wasn’t about him, or me; it was about her…I was supposed to be jealous of HER. Because he didn’t abuse her, he loved her. & He wanted me to see the stark difference. And to know, and be jealous that I myself, was worthless in comparison. & that’s why he treated me like shit – it wasn’t him… it was me. He wanted to show me that it was my fault. that I deserved it. That I’d never do better because I was inherently less than.

I didn’t get the full implication at the time. But now, it’s as if he’s pacing back and forth in my brain, silently implying “are you ready now? are you ready to come back to me yet? are you ready to stop pretending that you deserve better?”