I took a laxative around 4am last night. I only took it because my tummy was bloated and I hadn’t had a bowel moment in at least four days. I can literally feel the toxins in my intestines. I got eye lash extensions from this wonderful soul named Gigi. I was locked in her bathroom for at least thirty minutes. I tried to throw up, poop, whatever…but nothing happened. She gave me a thimble of some concoction. Literally a thimble. And when I drank it, a wave came over me…almost like a euphoric feeling. The pain subsided. I know I shouldn’t drink anything from people I don’t know; but I was desperate for help.
I think the stress of that toxic situation yesterday, had affected me. Plus all the consistent vivid dreams don’t help. So, I guess it’s perfect timing I’m leaving LA for Houston in the morning. Thankful for Gigi who helped me…
I wanted to share with you about someone named Guy. I mentioned him before, but I want to go in a little bit more depth. Guy is an older gentleman I met, while I was working in Escalations at Amazon.
It’s so funny; I started working in customer service but I got promoted to escalations. I definitely hated that job but I made the most of it by talking to people who wanted to have conversation. One time, I spent 2 hours talking to a guitarist who played me songs. Another time I spoke another 2 hours with a paraplegic man who gave me an awesome quote, “when life gives you shit; use it as fertilizer for growth.”
But back to Guy, I never met him in person but we always spoke over the phone when I was off from work. I loved this guy so much! He was my best friend at the time.
We told each other our deepest secrets. He told me how he never got to know his son because he hated the mom. He said he didn’t believe the kid was his, but one time a picture was sent to him…He knew then it was his son because they looked exactly alike. By then, it was too late, his son wanted nothing to do with him. Or I can’t remember correctly, maybe he didn’t reach out to his son because he felt it was too late…
Guy told me how much he hated his sister’s husband. He told me how he had to turn over his beloved red convertible over to his sister in Connecticut, whom he was living with during his last moments of his life. He had lung cancer.
At the time, he never prayed or spoke to God. But I told him, what do you have to lose? I told Guy, “you’re about to die, buddy! Just talk to God and make things right with Him. Don’t you want to get through those pearly gates rather than live in an oven for eternity(if heaven and hell truly exists)?!?”
He started praying with me almost every night then. We both loved to smoke so we came up with a pact. He could smoke cigarettes for a week and I would smoke weed too. But he stopped after a week and I unfortunately, kept going. My calls weren’t as frequent anymore because I was always high. He died within a week or two later.
I got a call from his sister. She saw how close we were and gave me her number to call her but I never did. I only wanted to remember him in the way I personally knew him. He gave me a necklace that has a floating diamond on it. It’s my only diamond I own, and I cherish it deeply.
He used to write positive comments under my music videos on YouTube, and he always said I was going to achieve my dreams. He told me in his Jersey accent, “Baby, I’m going to beg God to be your guardian Angel. I’m going to beg him for me to watch over you. I’m gonna be with you and make sure you are protected!” I could tell he meant every word.
I always wear my diamond for important situations. I wore it yesterday. I believe Guy made sure I didn’t meet El DeBarge. Instead the reason I met El DeBarge was so it would lead me to the Santa Claus looking man, who is now my vocal coach.
Sometimes life can get so hard with the different challenges and obstacles we face. Sometimes it would be too much for me to handle that I would self medicate. I smoked marijuana for exactly 20 years(I may miscalculated my timeline in a previous entry). I looked at the calendar and today is actually 31 days “weed free”. I feel so bad it took this long to break free. Some people can smoke weed and it doesn’t affect them. I was like that at first, but then I began to smoke on a daily basis.
When I get back to Houston, I’m going to be surrounded by it, my former dealers always call me, I get random “hey, you wanna smoke?” texts from back home, and it’s at my place of work which is the recording studio. I’m at the studio for three hours at a time surrounded by clouds of smoke. I gotta stay strong. I work with the best producer in Houston, so I can’t find someone else.
I decided to pray every day for peace and strength. What’s the harm? I rather pray and believe than not believe at all & lose out on an opportunity for miracles to happen. Jesus is real. At one point, I stopped believing. Especially when I lived in terrible situations where roaches would crawl all over my body at night. But I did things my way then and didn’t really incorporate Him in my life as much as I do now.
Even if I never make it, if I could be given peace and strength each day, I’d live a happy life. It would suck not having my dreams comes true but I won’t ever stop trying. When you stop trying, then you can definitely guarantee you won’t make it across the finish line.
”Father, I pray for peace that surpasses all understanding and a strength that is everlasting. Thank you God (in advance)for my quick recovery. Thank you in advance for healing my upset stomach. Thank you for a safe flight ahead of me. Amen”… “oh, one thing, please tell Guy I miss him, but I definitely feel his presence. I think you granted his wish because I think of him almost every day….”