As the title suggests, I’m new to Open Diary. I’ve been using writing as a form of therapy for years. It usually doesn’t matter what I write as long as I start writing something. Eventually I’ll end up telling a story from my past or sharing my hopes and dreams for the future.
The future. What an odd thing to think of at my age. I turned 42 back in March and I hate to say it, but let’s face it, my life is more than half over. In fact I think it’s a safe bet to say I’ll most likely be dead within the next 10 years. Probably closer to 5 really. I have reasons for such a morbid prediction of my own mortality and most of the people that are in my life don’t seem to agree. You tell me if I’m right or wrong…
#1 I’ve never been in the best physical condition. I smoked cigarettes since I was 13 and snuck into a party my oldest sister was hosting. Everyone was drunk and before I was spotted by my sister I was offered a cigarette and was given a crash course on how to smoke it. I was a pro in no time. Currently at age 42 I’ve stopped smoking, but still crave the nicotine so I “fake smoke” by using a vape. I don’t use it as often as I smoked cigarettes, but I’ve noticed since I started vaping my lung capacity has diminished significantly, but then again that could be partly to blame on me having covid back in January. Covid wasn’t as severe as I imagined it would be, but the lasting after effects are driving me insane. I’ve had post nasal drip every since and that creates substantial amount of mucus in my throat that some days I’m unable to speak cause my vocal cords are completely covers and there’s nothing I can do to cough up the mucus (lovely picture. I know). I’m roughly 5 foot 10 inches tall and I’d guess my weight to be about 230lbs. I’ve got a good layer of insulation but still have some muscle definition. Typical dad bod I suppose. Until last September I was on a near 4 year dry spell from sex. Moving to a new town, working the graveyard shift and having social anxiety made it hard to meet women, but eventually I did meet one, Shelley and started an intimate relationship, but it was short lived and now I’m 3 months into another dry spell.
#2 Gentetics. Can’t deny the fact that the people that made me play a factor in my health and other contributing factors that may lead to my demise. My dad was 45 years old the day he came home from work on the day that would change my life forever. August 17th, 1992 I was waiting for my single divorced dad to arrive tlso we could go into town and eat at the cafe as we did every single night. Being a couple bachelors neither of us could cook very well and my dad liked to flirt with the waitresses so we would go to the cafe as soon as my dad got home from work. This day we wouldn’t be going into town. This day was the definitive end of my childhood innocence. I was only 12 years old so I didn’t know why he was acting so strange or why he was sweating more than I had ever seen before. I didn’t know why he collapsed on the porch or why he was convulsing with his eyes rolled back into his head and foaming out of his mouth. I panicked. I screamed “DAD!” and just like that he sat up, wiped off his mouth and got up and went in the house. He assured me he was fine, just tired and needed to lay down. He went into his room and layed on his bed. He called me to come turn his fan on for him and as I was walking out of his room he said “goodnight son”, “goodnight dad” was my reply. The next morning when I wake up, he didn’t. He looked my he was just sleeping with his hand under his face as he layed on his side. I screamed at him to wake up, but I knew he never would. Massive heart attack. I know that now, but when I was 12 I didn’t have any clue.
So given the fact my dad died at age 45 and I’m not in the best of physical shape at age 42 do you think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do about when death will come for me?
I wonder if anyone will even read this… Either way, writing still benefits me. It the only form of therapy that is actually effective for me. If someone does read this, let me know. Have a good day/night