Looking For Air

Suddenly I feel like I’m drowning, and I can’t get out. There are so many things on my mind, and I’m having a hard time expressing/communicating them. The crazy thing is that it is literally like 5-6 different major topics that would break down into a million little things. I’m not sure which to start with first, and I’m not sure how to organize my thoughts to process them. 

I suppose I need to start with what is closest to me now, and that is my relationship. I am so in love with you, but the trials and tribulations of our life are slowly sucking me up. We are at a point where I feel like I can’t talk to you about my feelings without you turning them around on me and we end up talking about your feelings. I understand there are things about me that are difficult to deal with, but I should be able to feel my feelings in this relationship. The F*cked up part about it is that I know that you love me just as much as I love you, and I know that in normal circumstances, things would be different. The problem that I am having is the fact that it seems to be never ending and my loneliness is catching up to me. I need connection. I need intimacy. I need to feel loved and wanted.

These feelings make me feel selfish because I know that you’re having a hard time, but how long must I be the one that is shut down. Just because it is fresh, I’ll give you this morning as an example. We woke up. You had your phone in your hand. I asked what you were doing and after a pause you finally said you were texting our friend. Not that anything is wrong with that, however, I tried telling you good morning and asking how you were feeling and how’d you sleep, and you never even took the time to respond. Before I knew it, you were on the phone and going on about your day with little to no acknowledgment of me. This too makes me feel selfish to say but am I or am I just asking for the bare minimum? 

Still Chasing the Rainbow…