Looking For Air

Suddenly I feel like I’m drowning, and I can’t get out. There are so many things on my mind, and I’m having a hard time expressing/communicating them. The crazy thing is that it is literally like 5-6 different major topics that would break down into a million little things. I’m not sure which to start with first, and I’m not sure how to organize my thoughts to process them. 

I suppose I need to start with what is closest to me now, and that is my relationship. I am so in love with you, but the trials and tribulations of our life are slowly sucking me up. We are at a point where I feel like I can’t talk to you about my feelings without you turning them around on me and we end up talking about your feelings. I understand there are things about me that are difficult to deal with, but I should be able to feel my feelings in this relationship. The F*cked up part about it is that I know that you love me just as much as I love you, and I know that in normal circumstances, things would be different. The problem that I am having is the fact that it seems to be never ending and my loneliness is catching up to me. I need connection. I need intimacy. I need to feel loved and wanted.

These feelings make me feel selfish because I know that you’re having a hard time, but how long must I be the one that is shut down. Just because it is fresh, I’ll give you this morning as an example. We woke up. You had your phone in your hand. I asked what you were doing and after a pause you finally said you were texting our friend. Not that anything is wrong with that, however, I tried telling you good morning and asking how you were feeling and how’d you sleep, and you never even took the time to respond. Before I knew it, you were on the phone and going on about your day with little to no acknowledgment of me. This too makes me feel selfish to say but am I or am I just asking for the bare minimum? 

Still Chasing the Rainbow…

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September 8, 2023

Can we expect to be that person they want to talk to fist thing in the robing and last moment of the night?  When it feels one-sided, is that our neuroses or is an accurate assessment?  What do we deserve?  How much is enough?  How much is the bare minimum we should get?

Why is this so hard?

September 8, 2023

@laynemeyer2 oooh, I like the questioning. I would be asking the same if I were a reader of this. Touché. 😊

I would say that no we cannot expect that; however, in this situation, with her own words, she stated that as her partner I am what she wants to wake up to and go to sleep with. So that changes the question a little and that’s what has me spinning.

Why is this so hard?!


September 8, 2023

@chasingrainbow Life is full of grey, not lt black and white. Sone of us are fragile, wary of tipping the boat. We (me) overthink everything. Is that a clue?  A sign?  A symbol?  Does it mean something?


Regardless, it remains hard.