Put On Your Big Girl Pants

After almost 20 years together, we are getting divorced.  It has been two weeks since this was decided. I started packing last weekend and am moving out next weekend (the 16th.) Tell me how he already has a girlfriend? Tell me how anyone would believe he was not speaking to her BEFORE we decided to split. She lives in a different state, many  miles away, so I know he hasn’t actually been with her or seen her, but there has obviously been some romantic conversations happening.

To be honest, when he told me he was probably moving to her state, I wasn’t even that upset. I kind of felt numb to it. I thought, “Good, she can deal with your narcissistic, gas lighting bullshit and porn addiction.”

What bothered me was that he constantly accused ME of speaking to other men when he was the one seeking out someone else. Projection, much? I hope she enjoys being love bombed just to be followed by a brow beating and getting screamed at, then more love bombing and the cycle repeating. Or, who knows? Maybe she will be the reason he finally grows up.

I probably sound like a bitter, jealous wretch. Truth be told, I am looking forward to having freedom; no worrying about buying myself a meal, taking a paid day off if I feel like it, not having to deal with whatever scary mood he’s in after work, peace and quiet…I’m looking forward to my house staying clean. I’d rather be alone than married to a man child. On that note, I hope your new girlfriend is OK with cleaning the shit streaks out of the toilet after you.

I think I’m in the angry phase of this process…I think I’m going to be in that phase for a long time. The majority of our time together was him angry and me groveling when I didn’t even do anything wrong.

I am so fucked in the head because of him. How did I ever let him brainwash me this way? I’m not a stupid person, but I’ve always been insecure and he preyed on that. Maybe not even intentionally at first, but he figured it out at some point, and by that time it was much too late for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no saint. But I know I’m a good person,  I know I loved him and took care of him. I was devoted to him. I was only ever worthy of his good side if I was making a certain amount of money.

I am 40 years old now, and I am starting over, leaving the man I’ve been with for almost half my life. I am scared and full of anxiety, but I have more hope now for my future than I have had in a very long time. I know I will be okay. I just need to find myself and heal. I will develop a new normal. I have my family and friends here to support me. Everyone is so happy we are divorcing. That should say enough, right? I’m sure his friends and family feel the same.

We have four dogs. He’s keeping two, I’m taking the other two. It makes me so sad that the two besties of the group are going to be separated. I would fight to take all four if I could because I know he will neglect them, but I can’t have four dogs where I’m moving. I am devastated that after next week I will never see those other two dogs ever again. It’s gut wrenching.

Thank GOD we do not have any human children. I am a child of divorce and I would not wish that upon anyone. (We wanted kids, but I’m infertile.) Now that I’m going through this shit, I’m relieved I never had a child with him. Maybe his new girlfriend can pop out a few kids for him. She still has time. Maybe having a daughter would teach him a thing or two about how a woman should be treated. I doubt it, though.