Spiral

Yesterday I just kept spiraling down a fucking pit of despair.  It was so bad.  I have come to the conclusion that I am so fucking naive and delusional.  Just because someone gave me a little attention, I start making wedding plans.  Not literally, that’s an exaggeration.  I just mean I get attached way too soon to people who don’t even care about me.  It’s quite obvious that Otha doesn’t really give a crap about me.  He never messages me first.  He never tries to see me or talk to me outside of me getting a tattoo.  I feel so stupid for thinking it could possibly turn into something.  So. Fucking. Stupid.  Why does this keep happening?  It’s like a sick joke.  I only attract abusers and narcissists.  They are the only ones that stick around.  The people that I actually really do like who seem kind, intelligent, fun… never want me.  That says a lot about me.  There’s something very wrong with me, and no one will tell me what it is so I can fix it.  All I’ve ever wanted was to love someone and have them love me just as much.  And I can see that is never going to happen.  This is pretty much it for me.  This is as good as life is going to get, and that’s really depressing.  I refuse to settle for the abusers, so I will always be alone.  I’m fine with being alone.  I like my own company.  But it would be nice to have that one great love.  I can see that’s never going to happen.  I have to stop trying to get people to love me, because I guess I’m just not loveable.  I’m not good enough for decent people.  I hate this life.  I’m fucking mad at my parents for forcing me into this shitty world.  I hate them.