Yesterday I just kept spiraling down a fucking pit of despair.  It was so bad.  I have come to the conclusion that I am so fucking naive and delusional.  Just because someone gave me a little attention, I start making wedding plans.  Not literally, that’s an exaggeration.  I just mean I get attached way too soon to people who don’t even care about me.  It’s quite obvious that Otha doesn’t really give a crap about me.  He never messages me first.  He never tries to see me or talk to me outside of me getting a tattoo.  I feel so stupid for thinking it could possibly turn into something.  So. Fucking. Stupid.  Why does this keep happening?  It’s like a sick joke.  I only attract abusers and narcissists.  They are the only ones that stick around.  The people that I actually really do like who seem kind, intelligent, fun… never want me.  That says a lot about me.  There’s something very wrong with me, and no one will tell me what it is so I can fix it.  All I’ve ever wanted was to love someone and have them love me just as much.  And I can see that is never going to happen.  This is pretty much it for me.  This is as good as life is going to get, and that’s really depressing.  I refuse to settle for the abusers, so I will always be alone.  I’m fine with being alone.  I like my own company.  But it would be nice to have that one great love.  I can see that’s never going to happen.  I have to stop trying to get people to love me, because I guess I’m just not loveable.  I’m not good enough for decent people.  I hate this life.  I’m fucking mad at my parents for forcing me into this shitty world.  I hate them.

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September 30, 2023

It will happen, i just keep think so many of us been thru so many bad relationship then right person pop in when we are so deatach at r best strongest most confident self, you will have great life, take little time focus on you, and bounce out there again with your best self

October 14, 2023

I’ve been alone so long that when someone is nice to me I think they’re flirting with me. At this point I’ve convinced myself that no one would actually flirt with me. I definitely understand how you’re feeling.