Randoms 8/3/2022

Today would have been my anniversary. Now, I would be stupid to think someone would wish me that, but for the last 4 years, I haven’t had anyone check in on me either. Yeah, it still stings

It’s funny how people have reacted to my “tragic” moments over the years. Never once did I get any sort of acknowledgment or actual compassion for my losses. It’s wrong for me to think this way, it makes me narcissistic and selfish and that’s not who I want to be anymore, but…

I lost both parent’s and besides my immediate family, no one reached out. I lost my child, my daughter, and no one reached out. I lost my wife, my home, my possessions, my dreams and hopes, and no one has reached out. So, when I see things on Facebook like “come celebrate ****’s life annual party” or ” let’s all get together to cheer up ****”  It really hurts my heart and soul. Oh, before you say something about either of these, one was a drug addict that had numerous interventions and still overdosed and the other was a cheating, lying SOB, and still is.

This type of crap is what hangs in the corners of my mind like cobwebs. The kind you don’t notice when you’ve cleaned a room from top to bottom. Yet there are all your so-called “friends” whooping it up and raising toasts to these two individuals and have not once called to even check in with me.

I want to be social, I can’t stand being alone, but there are absolutely no people or groups around me to get involved in. I can’t afford to drive into the city to volunteer to “feel like I have friends” and I’m sorry church and religion have failed me so many times I just can’t do that. So I guess I have to go to the local bar. I have tried the gym, but at the one, I go to it seems no one wants to be bothered, at least by me anyway. I mentioned religion and I have to “believe” that this is all a test of faith and God’s plan, and believe it or not, I do, but this has gone on for close to 4 years with no let-up and I really do not believe I did anything to deserve it. I’m not talking about you guys here, I appreciate every one of you. I’m talking about the ones here, the ones that have been here, some for over 40+ years, not even attempting to try and cheer me up. If I wasn’t the “dancing monkey” I wouldn’t even get any notice.

I have learned to deal with it all though. Sure I whine here and there, but “it is what it is”. I only wish I wasn’t left destitute from the divorce. My credit is ruined and I have to live in an asshole of the world apartment complex and have to hope and pray each day that nothing breaks because I can’t afford to fix it. I used to have a home of my own, savings, friends, and family that faked caring. A deck to enjoy the outside and not be afraid or disgusted at what is around me. Walls that were walls, not the thinnest of drywall where you can hear the neighbor fart and snore. But, this is where I am in life now. Like clockwork, I save $500, and something breaks or I break and it costs $600. I can’t get out of my own way.