Down another pound

Woohoo. I was down another pound today which made my very happy and excited and able to get through the day. Yes started restricting again or rather not eating after 7pm and I’ve lost a total of 7lbs since May 11th. My bmi was at the brink of the overweight category so I needed to lose weight. The high though that I get from seeing the scale go down I know is unhealthy. I’m not writing to say I’m healthy just to voice the struggle in my mind. Honestly though now that I have this focus back it has diminished my other bad thoughts. Yes, I know going from one bad habit to another isn’t good but for me this one is the least risky of all. I don’t plan to get to an unhealthy weight just am happy that I’m am losing some of this fat. I do not encourage eating disorders, they are deadly. I am keeping this journal to give me an outlet to my own personal struggles and to highlight the way this eating disorder Progresses from one thing to the next until you are literally out of control. It’s kind of ironic that restricting begins to give some sense of control in the beginning but then so quickly renders you helpless or rather spiralling out of control with no grip on reality or the damage you might be doing to yourself. I guess kind of like an addiction. I do not encourage anyone to ever go down this path. It leads nowhere and most likely once your world crumbles beneath you, you land right back at the start, only to put back on all the weight and even more. Not only that but because you have screwed with your body so much and put it in starvation mode to the point that your body starts to secrete ketones in your urine cuz your body has started to use your fat as an alternate source of energy cuz you don’t have enough fat left to burn, your metabolism never really fully recovers from that and it makes it much more difficult to lose weight later on. This isn’t a healthy journey, just a journey to keep me from harming myself by cutting or overdosing and losing the privilege of being able to sleep at home. I am not condoning my actions. My mind is not ok.  I’m only trying to survive the best way I know how. I’ve struggled with self harm since I was 14 or 15 and I’ve gotten better for some time but it never really goes away completely. The only thing that halted my self destructive ways and thoughts was the birth of my children.  I was always able to put my focus on them 100 percent for the first while but then after awhile self destructive thoughts and behaviours came back. Not sure if this was due to lack of support from my partner or the combination of that and childhood trauma. Either way, it doesn’t justify my actions. I’m still as lost at 37 as I was at 15. One day I hope to be FREE!

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