Will we have a child? Will I be good at it?

So, it seems like everyone’s having them these days, except us. Nearly everyone we know in their twenties or early thirties and in a relationship with someone is either with child or recently had one. My wife and I have been trying for four years with no luck. We’ve begun fertility testing and found out I’m not very fertile, with no physical reason. My wife is up for testing next.

I worry about several things. Firstly, I worry about my wife. She has her heart so set on this. She wants to be a mom so badly. I hate seeing her sad. I hate seeing her face when news of yet another expecting person comes up. It’s tearing her apart with worry that it won’t happen. I’m 30 and she’s 26.

I want to be a dad. I want to have a kid who’s goofy and funny and dorky and smart. Though I don’t want to expect these things in my child. I know it stinks growing up feeling like the odd one out and not having interests or qualities in common with my family. I know what it’s liked to feel pressured into majoring in things you don’t know that you’d enjoy or even be good at. I don’t want to do that.

But then I don’t know how good I will be as a dad. I don’t have a good job and as I suffer from depression/anxiety/ADHD/Fibromyalgia, I worry that it could be inherited or that it will harm my ability to do well as a dad. What if I have a panic attack while taking care of an infant? What if I can’t find a better job that I can succeed in?

At the same time, though we suspect my wife may have fertility issues as well, I feel at fault for our inability to produce children. And, I’ve never been particularly masculine or capable. I was never rough and tumble growing up or even now and most guys don’t seem to have issues with panic attacks or running off to the bathroom for fear of crying in public. Now this news makes me feel all the less like a man.