Letter 1

I wrote a letter to you last night, a hand-written letter. This is not the first letter I wrote to you since we are apart, but I’d send this one first. The other one, more sentimental, will be sent later, after I finish your birthday gift. Yes, your birthday gift, this year, you will also have a birthday gift. But probably that will be the last birthday gift that I can give to you. We may, move to a different phase, far and apart, as fate has meant us to be.

I was not too sentimental writing the letter last night, so you will not see me crying there. And I say some logical things as well. I want us to be happy, to be stable, to be able to achieve what we can in life, and live to the fullest, if possible. I’ve grown out of the period of depending on you for every single action or thought that I have.

I’m having a tough time now, well, not too tough, but I feel I need to be anchor for two men in my life. My husband. He needs me desperately, and his anxiety has got so bad lately. I suggested him to take a month leave from work, unpaid leave (his company is a very small one, rather informal and does not have such benefit as sick leave, etc.). I’m trying to reason with him that it is not because he is weak, just because he needs to look after himself and this is a bad period. And he will recover. As I had my dips, and I have recovered. Sitting next to him on the couch and holding his hand, I share my experience of going through depression and listen to his. We had a lot of common things. I feel good that I am in a pretty OK mental shape here and my workload has decreased during this period, so I can provide him with much needed support. I probably will need to take on more chores, i.e. shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. as he is almost paralyzed from doing anything. Last night I asked him to try CBD oil, luckily he still has some, he tried it and felt better. He used to use CBD oil before trying to deal with his anxiety, and now he’s too anxious to even remember it. He felt a bit better after that, he talked to me more like his normal self. I know, it will not last, but any time he can feel a bit relieved, it is good.

Ok, so you can ask who is the second person that I feel I need to support. Difficult to hear, but it’s you. To be very honest, you may find it funny that I feel I need to support you, as I have leaned on you for more than a year before. Yes, when I was in my depression and went through my fight and fear with cancer, etc. Thank you so much for always being there for me, always listening to me and be a stable shoulder that I can lean on almost all the time. But I feel now I need to support you, from a distance. I will nurture our love and our feelings, while trying to live a normal life and supportive to all of my loved ones. And yes, you are one of my loved ones as well. I love you dearly, we have limits in our relationship, but our hearts are always next to each other. For how long? I don’t know. Maybe a few years, maybe many more years, maybe till we die. I don’t ponder into the future, I only know, for now, yes, it is there. And you remain here, safely, in my heart, with me.

I will not write to you any more. I will send you two hand-written letters and I decide not to send any more letters after that. At least, for now, that’s what I think. I will still write here though – when I have time and when I want to write. Remember, I still need to practice writing in English, so I’d try to write one entry a day, if time allows, and if I feel I want to write.

I wrote two poems for you yesterday, but I didn’t feel satisfied. My poems, they are all so familiar, i.e. in the same old way. I want to change, I want to re-create myself and my poems, I want to break free from my current way of writing, I want to express things in a different way, or express different things. So far, no progress yet. I still hold that frustration within myself. Maybe, with more reading, with more trial and errors, I could change my writing style a little bit, just a little bit, I will be very happy with it.

I feel I’m entering a period of coldness. I’m very alert, rather practical and can see things clearly in my life. Maybe that is thanks to the La dosage increase. I don’t know. It’s been a month since I increase it to the current dosage. Will probably stay there. I know that the moment I drop Do’s dosage, I will be sentimental and write crying verses for you again. Who knows, maybe I should start to try, from today. As you know, my life means struggling with my mood swings, adjusting my meds, adjusting my moods and coping with everything. But hey, I will not complain, everyone has his/her own devil to deal with. And this is mine.

Take care and I will write to you later, whenever I have time and can manage to have a half-hour break from my day/schedule. I will give you this link, not now, but later, so you can read it if you wish. I know, I will not have any reply from you, so I can only go as long as I can, and I know that you will not blame me for dropping it off temporarily or permanently. Secretly we are still yearning for each other, but for now, we succumb to what fate has decided for us. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and can get some rest after a busy week (I know, your weeks are always busy…)

Vivid Memories

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