I just ate my leftovers from yesterday, and it was so filling. I took a bath and washed my hair, and now I’m in bed. I have a facial mask on at the moment, and I feel absolutely perfect. My day was pretty awesome too. I finally finished part two of my music video.
I woke up this morning at exactly 11:11am. I immediately made a wish, and I begun preparing myself for the shoot. I was in a serious tone for most of the day. I had this laser beam focus to make sure the job got done and it did!
The cinematographer, Matt, is a really nice guy. I think he eagerly tried to impress me, but my reactions stayed monotone. I learned from previous experience to not show too much excitement because it tends to make the people you hire more relaxed. I wanted everyone to strive to do their best. To be honest, Matt is the best cinematographer I’ve worked with thus far.
I wish I knew how to repay him without coming out of pocket even more. I plan on working with him on my next music video in May. I plan on using the same makeup artist and behind the scenes videographer as well. I called my makeup artist by a whole different name today by mistake. To be honest, my whole demeanor was very strange today. I can’t explain it. Everyone seemed happy around me, yet I was the only one who was super serious. I wasn’t a bitch or anything or hard to work with, but everyone knew I was the boss. I knew time is money. I also knew that this song was super important to me and I wanted everyone to give their all.
There is a big part of me that knows I’m so blessed to have gotten this music video done for so cheap. I believe all together it’s cost me less than 2k. That’s including the wardrobe, makeup, locations, editing, even the behind the scenes. However, the level that the music video looks is more like 15k. It’s like Beyoncé level; I’m so serious.
I think I’m still in shock. I know it’s only been a month but God has done some amazing things in my life ever since I quit smoking. Sure, God has done many things before but I feel like I’m reaching new levels because I’m trying to live a life that is pleasing to him.
However, I just don’t pray as much as I would like. I barely go to church. And, I never give my tithes. The first two I listed, I can work on…but the giving part…that’s difficult. I plan on trying to give in other ways since I don’t have a job at the moment. I used to sing to elderly people or just spend time and read to them. I’ll start doing that again very soon(maybe tomorrow).
I have an agent meeting tomorrow. This means I have to log onto a zoom link and meet with an agent whose possibly interested in representing me for commercial and theatrical work. I plan to wake up early enough to get myself together in order to put my best face forward, which is why I’m in bed already.
If I were still smoking, I wouldn’t be as responsible. I’m beginning to enjoy this new lifestyle that is free of marijuana. I know I haven’t been in situations where I’ve been offered it or around it yet. I don’t look forward to how I’m going to feel when I smell it at the recording studio. I’ve already made up my mind that I’m not smoking for Lent, but I’m trying to never smoke again for life.
I feel a bit sad. My dad is walking with a limp. Something like his hip or something hurts. And my parents appearance now reflects their elderly age. I don’t like to see them like this. I wish I could reverse time, so their bodies would work the way that it used to.
I get so upset because I have dreams of traveling with my dad, but now walking is difficult for him. I want my mom to look young again, but that’s not how aging works.
I feel like my addiction stole so much time from me. I feel like now I’m trying to make up for lost time. I feel pathetic sometimes being 38, still wanting to be a pop star.
But ironically, Tina Turner’s rise to success happened after 40. She is adored by so many people. Her music is iconic, and she will always be remembered as one of the greats. I want to be remembered as one of the greats too. I just want my two best friends alongside me on this journey, my parents.
What will it take for me to have my breakthrough? All I need is investment of promotion, a tour manager, a tour bus, a sound engineer, a few backup singers, a few dancers, a set designer for my stage, security, a crew to break down the stage after performances, a promoter, a manager to negotiate contracts, a few videographers, a choreographer, a glam squad, a stylist…and money to pay for all of this. Seems impossible when I list only a portion of what I think I need.
It would be nice if I could go viral, then I would simply join the label that offered the highest price. But I don’t want a label. I want to be in charge. I don’t want to be ordered around. I rather pay people that are happy doing what they love( like I did today).
I think of how my life is now. I don’t have everything I want, but my life is simple. I really like the simplicity of how my life is. I am living off of my savings, and I’m sure I’ll have to work soon. But this journey now is so interesting. I’m literally relying on faith and hard work to get me to the finish line. Yet, I have no idea of what’s really at the finish line.
To me, success is getting paid to do what you love. However, I want to be popular where my music is known worldwide. I want people to love my acting so much that they put my name in the search engine, just to watch the films that I’m in. I want to be recognized globally and win awards for what I do. I want to be remembered when I die.
I’m drifting off to sleep already. I think today took a lot out of me. I pray that Matt will edit the music video to perfection.
“Jesus, I think I know what I need but ultimately you know what is needed. I pray that my time is accelerated. Please give me beauty for ashes. Peace & strength needed too. Amen”