Truthfully speaking, I’ve spent plenty time thinking about the days that lead up to my arrest in September 2016, that lead to the beginning of my adult life. The other part of this, is I’ve spent a long time thinking that was where my story ended, but that’s just the beginning. I’ve been very confused and hurt when something traumatic happened in my clean time, almost like the incident couldn’t be included in the timeline of events I have to share. My story does continue, everyday, and some days I don’t always do the right thing and end up in some shit storm that I continuously get mad about.
Anyways? For any of you in recovery from addiction, do you remember the first day that you looked up at the sky and realized how big the world was? How colorful the grass was? The sun on your face? Do you remember finally raising your eyes for the first time in months to look at something other than the bubbles in a loaded needle? This was a beautiful, but subtle moment for me. I only had about a day without using and remember sitting in the sheriff’s car watching clouds move and noticing how far back the fields extended on the highway. It’s like we spend so much time with our eyes in front of us either fixed on getting drugs or trying to enjoy them that we choose not to notice our surroundings?
Another thing, yes we do feel emotions while in active addiction, personally for me I chose not to. I remember times when I couldn’t get a vein or I was robbed for a few hundred dollars and that’s when all my emotion would spill over because I was constantly shoving it down. I feel more guilt in recovery (it’s not very much), but sometimes I question what kind of substance can make you not think about your own child at home wondering if you’ll ever be home. I’m not perfect now, I work a lot, don’t pay my mom too much to watch her when I should, end up being severely tired once I get home and not being the most “fun” parent I can be, but I’m there. My daughter has issues with my schedule changing, if it’s out of the norm she will stay up at night and obsess over what time I’ll walk in the door, but it’s ok, she’s four. I try not to mess with the schedule that much, but I work in a place that constantly changes what shift I work on.
The most triggering place for me is by far the place I work. It seems odd that I wouldn’t say my car or my house, but it’s work. I remember the first year I worked I had slowly eased my way into a crippling heroin addiction. In between this I struggled with watching patients die and begging people to feed them while on hospice. Some things I just didn’t understand. I remember trying my very best to use 8 hours apart, but towards the end I just couldn’t anymore. I quit so I could keep my patients out of danger. When I go to work, I see old memories in the bathroom, I see patients who saw who I once was, and sometimes it’s like time didn’t even move, it’s odd. I changed just about everything else in my life. I love to be back and also feel a sense of comfort, but when I get strung out.. I do have those odd bittersweet feelings of the past.
I was asked to film my story for a documentary next week, I’m extremely excited! This is the type of stuff I love to do. I need to hit more meetings this week since I am off for three days. I wanted to go out dancing, but I’m still skeptical. I thought about having a drink at the casino the other night and I was never a big drinker, but in all reality regardless of what my addiction was that is a highly irrational thought. I shook the thought, but going out is probably not a great idea in my state of mind. I’m going to finish the step work assignment I started months ago hopefully tonight and try to study for my boards.
My relationship is going alright, we haven’t argued. I simply told him I wasn’t going to beg him to love me correctly, because I’m not. I will be okay without him, 100%, I personally don’t even want a relationship, but I do love him and we live two separate lives so it suits me. He is at work all week, so am I, and then he comes home to me two nights. Sometimes I work so it can be only one at times. I’m perfectly content with this, I do not think he’s cheating.
My ex, who got out of prison on a one year bail has gone missing. I’m severely worried because we really are best friends. I quit contacting him often because my boyfriend is possessive, but I am so worried. I hope he is okay, he has a lot over his head. It’s all his decisions though.
I have tons of payments to make, I hope I can make them all in time.
Feel free to message me, I’m a loving person .