Hi, this feels a little weird but relaxing, i dont have any friends and haven’t had any in quite some time, i think the trauma from being ghosted by pretty much every person in my life outside of my immediate family has really made me okay with being alone but a lot of nights it gets to me and becomes overwhelming. I dont mind doing these along, at least that is what i tell myself until i decide to step out once or twice a year to do something i used to enjoy like attending a dance class or going to a concert, thats when the anxiety really kicks in and the overthinking kills any enjoyment i expected myself to have… ” are they judging me? does my outfit look okay? was my makeup only looking great due to the dim bathroom mirror? Am i walking funny and is it noticeable? Should i suck it in or dont bother because it does not make a difference” I attended a concert last weekend alone as i normally do and my heart was racing out of my chest up until i realized i wouldn’t have to worry about walking a long distance or back pain because thankfully the entrance was so close. I felt a few people stare at me and felt discomfort listening to the laughter of people who were attending with friends, spouses and loved ones. I met two sweet women who did not mind me following them around like a lost puppy as i was too scared to ask the venue workers for directions about where to go or where to wait or when we could go sit down, As much as i wanted to engage in conversation with these two lovely women i felt myself holding back, quickly realizing these women were around my mother’s age i was so scared they would insult me or ask me ” what do i know about the performers tonight” in a jokingly condescending manor, i kept my answers short and sweet and continued asking about them. I stood awkwardly as one of the women went to the bathroom and the other stayed on her phone and looking around the venue a little. My intentions were to be confident and happy and dance and stand up the whole night but i quickly felt small and unattractive , scared of judgment and being in the way of the people sitting behind me, attending this event also brought me to the reality check of how much weight ive really gained in the last two years, i kept thinking to myself why are these seats so small but in actuality the seats were a little bigger and more comfortable than the ones ive sat in at the last concerts ive attending , i was extremely uncomfortable the entire night, purchased one overpriced margarita and sipped it slow as i swayed in my seat to music i wanted to dance in the walk ways too. I wish i could say i enjoyed myself but being that i want to start being honest about my feelings i did not enjoy myself, i felt lonely , sheltered, overthought the entire night and full of regret i was even scared to take selfies and record videos of myself even though i was indeed proud of my makeup for the night. I guess laziness and loneliness go hand in hand , lonely because i refuse to leave my apartment unless i have to due to shame and fear or judgement and also being that ive gained at least 80 pounds since the pandemic… and laziness because ive spent hundreds on workout clothes, pre workouts, at home equipment , smart watches and water jugs that continue to collect dust as i make excuses month after month as to why i won’t do what i need to do … This entry is all over the place and its my first entry so ill be easy on myself i guess … It feels good letting it all out and im going to continue to do so without fear of judgment or worry! it is currently 1:00pm and i have about 30 more minutes of relaxation before its time to pick up my little one and my niece.
Until next time ?