Sink or Swim

2/17 Friday

Why does everything feel so heavy? It’s not even that deep. He’s going away to make money, but he’ll come back for me… Right? And when he’s gone, I’ll finally have my “Emily in Paris” moment that I’ve wanted for so long. Right? I could move, I could record music, I could grow. I could stay here and sink, or I could float.

The thing that scares me is that I’m not sure if it’s a decision, or a question with me. I don’t choose to sink, but I’m very familiar to the feeling. For someone that believes in good, I have a lot of darkness that follows me around and around, and around. I’m a late bloomer, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t be any less beautiful. What to do, who to be, who to be without him. But I won’t be without him he’ll just be gone. No one will be here to push me to keep myself on track, no one will be here at the end of a bad day. I’m scared. I don’t like not knowing which way this will go. Moving doesn’t sound like the worst idea, I like the concept of a new start, an adventure, one less “I wish I would have” off my list for when I’m 60. But it’s not that simple. There are steps to take. A whole life to pack up, money to be saved, and a jump into the unknown that I’ve been to scared to take for 8 years. It’s like a weight on my chest. I know how dark I can be, I know what it feels like to sleep away your days, ignore your responsibilities, and be t0o embarrassed to allow anyone in to help pull you out.

Why do I doubt myself to this extent? It’s like I’m just waiting for the tornado, for the storm to rip through my light and drag me down. Because for me it doesn’t feel like a matter of “if” it will happen, but “when”.

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