Thinking Out Loud

Been a busy couple of days… I can say that much… yesterday I didn’t accomplish much… truly.  I got my exercise in.. closed all my rings on my Apple Watch (which I do every day) that’s not saying much… my husband and I got in a bit of a tiff last night over my weight loss… his concern was he thought I was losing weight too quickly and we ended up going to bed not talking … I tried to point out on my chart that I’ve been losing about 1-2 pounds a week consistently, which is perfectly fine.  His concern was that most of the weight loss now seems to be in my arms and neck and there is more lose skin in my upper arms and now some a bit under my chin… but I also have lose skin around my belly and thighs so I got upset because I’m self conscious about that anyways and he expressed maybe I needed to slow down my weight loss.

I expressed that I really don’t know if that’s possible as I am pretty sure with the healthy eating and the exercise my metabolism is revved up.  As for the extra skin… it’s probably to be expected, I’ve lost damn near 100 pounds since I started weight watchers in January of 2020 (I’m down to 163.6 pounds from 260).  I understand the concern, my collar bone is showing pretty good as are my ribs BUT my ribs have always been prominent before I gained all the weight (it’s weird…they kind of jut out a bit…like I have a second set of tits).  But we talked it out this morning and we are all good, I had him look at my weight loss charts and tracking and showed him that it has not been an all of a sudden I’ve dropped 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks…I’m losing about 1-2 pounds a week….which is a healthy weight loss amount when you are on a diet.  He was worried I was not eating enough the thing is my appetite is not what it was when I was well over 200 pounds….we went out for lunch to a Mexican restaurant and I thought I would say fuck it and order a pick two thing off the menu…I ordered a cheese enchilada and a chicken taco with refried beans…I could barely eat the enchilada but I did and I tried to eat at least half the taco….and a couple of bites of the beans before I had to call it quits because I was full.  Before I would have ordered the pick three and eaten every last bite on the plate.

And yes, I’m very insecure about the extra skin, around my tummy and my thighs…as well as the stretch marks…. it comes with the territory, my body was much abused by the extreme weight I carried with me for 15 plus years… and so that skin is not going to just go back overnight and I know this.  But damn does it just have to hang there, my belly button is so recessed in it’s like trying to find Waldo…. I did have to replace my jumper that I bought last summer… last summer I had gone down from a 3x to an extra large… and it was a really cute jumper, white on top and pinstripes on the bottom…tried to put it on today…. (and my medication app on my phone just went off hold up…..four pills… one I’m self tapering off and it’s for sleep called Amitryptiline, the other is my cholesterol medication and no that won’t change with the weight loss, I’ve been on a statin since I was 20 years old and 131 pounds… then there is my Corlanor which I take to keep my heart rate from beating too fast because I have POTS, then there is my clonazepam which I take for my anxiety… that’s it…. I was on a beta blocker but all that did was tank my blood pressure it never really lowered my heart rate and at one point they had me taking 100 mg twice a day…I’m supposed to be seeing an electrophysiologist on Friday except I checked the cardiologist I’m scheduled with (outside the VA) and he’s not one…so this should be interesting.  I’m not canceling, it’s their fuck up.  Let them figure it out…. besides I haven’t seen an actual cardiologist in over 6 years the VA has me seeing a nurse)…but back to the jumper…I put the XL on today and it was too big on me and on top of that it was stained on top…so it had to go.  So when I went to Walmart of get more mulch and to try to find the smart water with dandelion root extract (which they had none–I got the one with ashwaganda root extract in it though cause it does relax me some)… I bought a new jumper but this time in medium… it’s blue with a neat sorta tie-dyeish type pattern and actually kind of sexy cute with a cute sun hat because I don’t like always having to wear sunglasses outside.  I loaded up all 6 bags of mulch into my Honda Civic myself… it’s not like anyone at Walmart offered to help me and it’s not like I needed the help anyways…hey those strength workouts pay off baby but holy shit those bags of mulch are heavy as hell.

In the meantime, my husband was on the other side of the Cape Fear river in Wilmington at Lowes… getting some pressure treated wood meant for landscaping… we put in a wooden border to go around the front of our flower bed so that we could dress up the front and keep the mulch in (I’ll take a picture tomorrow and post it)… and it’s about time we did it too after living here for 6 years.  I mean we just put roses in the front last year after having zero landscaping at all except mulch … and this year we planted three more dwarf rose bushes in front of the knock out rose bushes… and on the side of the house (also in front) we put Canna lilies….two black and one pink…I did not even know they came in black but I saw them and I was in love.  I also got (the same day we got the flowers) the most adorable solar light metal welcome dog….reminded me of Tigger…except it lights up blue… my husband tacked it down today with a couple of metal stakes so the wind wouldn’t blow it away (believe me it’s necessary here though I’m not sure if it would hold up in a hurricane).  We had a slight chance of storms but that is not likely to happen tonight, north of here up toward the outer banks of NC they got some hellish storms… my son was tracking them and told us they got baseball to softball sized hail…and they can keep that shit…I don’t need hail damage to claim on my home owners insurance or car insurance.

It absolutely looks like we are getting new neighbors but it also looks like they have a shit ton of work to do on the house…which doesn’t surprise me the people that lived there were filthy mother fuckers….. (yes I curse)… and no I didn’t like them the last time we hung out with them we suspect they put something in our drinks because we do not remember much about that night…. and we don’t drink often at all anyways… but the guy was constantly making comments about my body and it was making me uncomfortable (nothing happened with him I know that much)… but I had avoided them since that night and I haven’t had a spot of alcohol either unless I was cooking with it.  Again though I don’t really drink….anytime we would go over to hang out with them they would constantly hand us beers and we didn’t want to be rude….but that’s not our scene…it wasn’t often we would go over there but that won’t be an issue now.  Problem solved.  That last time though….I don’t even want to think about it…. makes me sick.

I don’t drink because my parents are alcoholics…. I do not want to be them so I make different choices.  It’s why I never used corporeal punishment on my children.  My daughter turned out like she turned out because she had conduct disorder… as an adult that would be classified as a sociopath… and yes she still has those problems… it’s part of the reason we are estranged.  She abused her brother and made a couple of attempts on her step father’s life when she was a teenager that got her hospitalized.  She resented us afterwards, ran away, made up some bullshit… refused to come home based on that bullshit…. my son was terrified of her (He was only 11 at the time) and social services told us she was not going to come home anyways so they told me I had only one option and that was to terminate my parental rights so I did.  I didn’t like it…. it wasn’t my proudest parental moment but … at 15 the state took over her care…. she bounced through 6 foster homes, into a group home then to my parents…. who then tossed her out after 4 months when she was 17… she came to stay with me again… but then also wanted her boyfriend/fiance to also stay which wanting to make things right I allowed and shouldn’t have… discovered drugs in their room… asked her to get into contacted with her legal guardian (being my mother), she instead decided to drop out of the high school I enrolled her in (which I legally was not supposed to be able to) and called my sister to pick her up…she stayed there until she was 18 and moved back to Virginia where she still resides…she ended up marrying said fiancé after they found out they were pregnant…had the baby and are now separated or divorced I’m not sure which….my grandson has red hair and brown eyes.. my daughter has blue eyes and brown hair and the fiancé has brown hair and blue eyes…. genetics anyone? Last I knew she was dating a guy 6-8 years older than her…before that she was going to join the Marines…but I guess that didn’t work out (didn’t think it would because I know her history… and they would have learned that too).

Needless to say I did my best but she is also a product of my first marriage and her father was an abusive ass with bipolar and god knows what else… not the highlight of my life choices…and one of the reasons for my PTSD.  My upbringing is another.  I know I said I wasn’t going to talk about my daughter because most people wouldn’t understand.

My son he’s fine… he’s pretty balanced…he is doing much better now that he is back in the classroom….his mood has improved and he is no longer mopey.  As for recovering from the mental and physical abuse she did to him… he has done pretty good with that.  He won’t have her brought up and I respect that.  He only refers to her as “the bitch”.  He’s nearly 18…He can say what he wants… I do need to get him in driver’s ed… Covid kind of screwed that whole process up.  They are still back logged on that.  But as long as he is still in school at 18 he can still take driver’s ed….so…I have time.

Well the song title entry title served this entry well did it not?


I went through my playlist….. (at least it wasn’t one of my Eminem songs).  Heh, maybe I should have picked “Cleanin Out My Closet”….


Nah….this entry title works for this.  I have a dog on one of my feet…He could easily cover both so I consider myself lucky…It’s actually chilly outside tonight.  I had time to write because nothing is on TV and I would play Animal Crossing but I’m still trying to get one of my residents to leave… I’m trying to get all female residents… and this one resident simply will not leave no matter what I do.  It’s like an impossible task.  I’d be fine with him or another of the male residents leaving…then we call call live in female harmony on my little island.

I have my menu made up for the coming week and we go grocery shopping tomorrow.  Two stir fries…a spicy meat loaf, grilled chicken puttanesca with roasted broccoli, no noodle vegetable lasagna, pork medallions with Indian spiced squash…a Salisbury steak with onions and mushrooms and roasted mixed vegetables….that’s 7….all weight watchers recipes….all yummy goodness.For one of the stir fries it calls for fish sauce but I sub the fish sauce for Tamari soy sauce mixed with hoisin….I won’t use fish sauce.  Blech.  I always roast my veggies…it gives it a nice caramelization…….


But that’s it for me…. thanks for sticking through all that.


I leave you with the three pets…from left to right Freya, Tigger and Fred…..all in harmony at the end of my bed….sitting on my positive affirmations blanket.


Until next time…..

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April 17, 2021

Family: they f*ck you up. Title of an issue of a literary journal I used to read. I, too, have been losing weight, as a result of severe type 2 diabetes diagnosed a year ago. I should throw a lot of clothing away, but I don’t yet trust that I will stay this size. It’s amazing what cutting out sweets can do! And yay for pets and the blanket on which yours are lying!