For those judging others who have been or are in toxic relationships, this read is for you:
Toxic relationships don’t always look destructive in the beginning. ..it’s a slippery slope that sometimes drops off quicker than one can see ahead. Sometimes the red flags don’t stand pronounced enough to give up the fact that everyone does have imperfections and true love survives through them. But, love is not made by hatred in the end.
Two people that seem absolutely perfect for each other, it feels like nothing could be better, it’s like a natural high finding something utterly perfect, cloud 9, time stops and you’re safe, nothing; not even death matters, your fears and thoughts vanish, and you’re finally home, you’ve finally found that piece of the puzzle you’ve been wishing for, for so long and home is in their eyes, wrapped up next to you in their arms. You’re home, warm and fully satisfied with life. You admire everything you think you know about them, they are your world and you are theres.
Then one day, a loud noise interrupts your peace, the eye of the storm passes and suddenly “your home” is moving between gusts of wind known as emotional turmoil, insecurities and lies boil into pieces of your happiness flying around you. You keep thinking if you stay right there the tornado will stop moving in circles around you, you think IT HAS TO PASS; it does so you take deep breaths and for all but a moment you feel that peace you yearned to have back for so long. Now something is different and your partner asks you, “What’s wrong?” You don’t know how to cry that you’re deathly afraid it’ll happen again and again. You don’t trust the nice gestures. HOW do you let them comfort you for their own actions???? Dr jackyl and Mr. Hide; one second they’re nice and the next they’re unforgiving and relentless. They are picking at your insecurities, pointing out things that hurt you. You try to explain, but you know it will cause more harm and you walk on egg shells hoping nothing will break loud enough to set the tornado off again… your home is not the same, things were distorted and broken, a piece is missing from your home and in your heart you feel that.
Once again the storm is back; yelling, screaming even hitting and physical abuse happens possibly between both of you. Your partner may try to tell you it happened because of you, because you didn’t try to keep him/her well enough or happy enough, so you sit in the middle of it trying to prove it doesn’t stop your love. Proving that you aren’t selfish, you are not everyone else, you are loyal, you are truthful, so you stay. it happens again and again as the pattern repeats itself you become mush. You exhaust every avenue, trying all sorts of combinations of behavior to see if it will turn out okay for a longer time, but nothing works and you end up back at square one wearing physical or mental scars that you almost can’t feel. Each fight brings you further from the present; you find yourself disappearing into your thoughts wishing you were transparent, wishing you’d disappear, only to find yourself tangable enough to be a punching bag. They own your voice, your actions and even your body. The idea of sharing yourself with others makes you ill. Brainwashed into believing Letting them have their way with you will keep the, “love alive”. Some days you choose to defend yourself and what part of your identity that may be salvaged underneath, but once you realize you are again defenseless, you lose another piece of yourself to the war that is between you and your partner and also within yourself. The old you is locked away, wondering what daylight and freedom feels like while you continue to become a shell with no emotions or feelings because if they are felt you are afraid you will end your own life or hurt someone else. You are defeated, anything goes, you accept things your younger self would’ve been appalled to believe just to stop an argument, you can’t think, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t breathe because you’re suffocating in what your partner calls love and hardships of a relationship..
In the midst of the confusion friends or maybe other people reach out to you to help you as you see their hands reach into your bubble of chaos. Some are afraid and pull away, never to see you again, others lose respect for you “why would she put up with that, is she stupid?” And shake their heads while they leave you to die in your own self inflicting wounds. Others cry tears for you and beg you to leave the home of love that is no more and never was…. so maybe you take a step away. You meet someone truly healthy and loving, they show you a taste of what could make you happy, they try to prove to you there is really happiness and a real home you haven’t even met yet. You want it, but the person sucking you dry follows you like a tick in your ear whispering, “I’m the only one who will love you”, “you and I are only meant to be together , others don’t understand you.” “I will keep following you forever” “They think you are a good person, because they don’t know the real you like I do, and they will see how truly ugly inside you are.” You leave the person trying to help you and fall back into the insanity of your past relationship, just to lose another person you actually did care for, but part of you is so afraid to hurt them.
But all these bits of emotion that gave this person hurting you ammo to say these things came from depression and anxiety they instilled in your brain from the abuse. The lies they tell you become real to you and turn you into the monster they want you to believe, so you won’t leave them empty. And once you are sucked dry and empty, you may finally see your home no longer spinning but in pieces all over the ground of what once was your love life and mental health. You may find the courage to step away and they will still fight, beg and possibly kill you to keep you. They will use everything they can. But keep fighting back, until you’re free.
Finally you’re free. But it feels as though you lost a war. You’d think you’d feel strong and liberated, but you don’t. It feels like you lost a war you never even had to fight. Wreckage is everywhere in your eyes and nowhere to others. Nightmares come at night and daydreams turn into sad recollections of each thing you saw and did. It feels like you lost everyone else you loved along the way. You still grieve the love you thought you had, and the time you lost trying to keep it alive. The damage has still collected in your mind and you still believe no one could possibly want you after the pain that haunts you. You may become untrusting of others and make assumptions about their intentions that may not be true. So you sit on the land that was once your happiness and rebuild a new home. If you feel like this, numb and hollow, it’s okay to rebuild. I understand. One day someone will love you right, and regardless of what state of mind you are in this is a long road of healing and it hurts. You may feel suicidal, or lost, lonely, or unworthy and act out because of it. Try counseling if you can, but I promise you are worthy and if someone doesn’t want to do the work to understand what you need they aren’t worth your time and vice versa. One day things will get better; just please don’t go back if you’ve gotten away. If it’s just starting to get bad in a new relationship don’t risk waiting for it to get worse, because it probably will not get better. Don’t compare to other relationships, just follow your gut. Love yourself enough to run away before you can’t anymore. Have a great day everyone ❤️