Loving an Abuser (a poem)

I loved you when you first kissed me,

in a hospital 80 miles away.

You rubbed the space between my fingers,

In my mind you would stay.

I loved you, patrick, when our bodies connected

in a halfway house 60 miles away

you touched my body and my spirit

In the depths of my soul you stayed.

I loved you baby, when you gave me a necklace

In the snowy streets, 55 miles away

you showed me I meant time to you

In my thoughts you would stay.

I loved you, handsome, when i first stayed the night

60 miles away.. never been held so tight

never thought i’d be so encapsulated

by your energy’s lights.

I loved you, truly, when you relapsed again

all alone in your mind,

I watched you laugh and cry

dr jakyl and mr hide

I never thought I would leave your side.

I still loved you, the first time you went away

I was so scared, I wanted you to stay.

And, I still loved you when I told you my fears,

admitted my mistakes so we could have years.

AND I loved you, when we would have a child of our own

I couldn’t believe I would be better off alone.

AND i still loved you, when your love went cold

you yelled and you yelled, you started to look old.

AND I still loved you when you pushed me into the door

took advantage of my body, because you needed even more..

AND I once again loved you, with your hands around my neck

depleting my air supply, obscenities and tobacco breath

AND I still loved you, when the drugs took your brain

you became a zombie, a zombie full of rage

but I continued to let you eat me, so you could stay alive

everyday you watched the life drain from my eyes

But I would do anything to know you’d survive.

AND I still fucking love you, I miss you hurtful words and painful hands

I also miss your voice, and where your kisses always land

I miss your quirks, and your touch

The things I hate, the things I love

I hate myself for missing every piece of you

good bad or indifferent, I always loved you

AND I still loved you when you became a train wreck

ran me over so many times, I felt nothing left

except for my love for you, I felt that.

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February 4, 2019

WOW, this is real deep

February 5, 2019

Wow! I’ve never been there before, but it makes you understand what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship.