Loving an Abuser (a poem)

I loved you when you first kissed me,

in a hospital 80 miles away.

You rubbed the space between my fingers,

In my mind you would stay.

I loved you, patrick, when our bodies connected

in a halfway house 60 miles away

you touched my body and my spirit

In the depths of my soul you stayed.

I loved you baby, when you gave me a necklace

In the snowy streets, 55 miles away

you showed me I meant time to you

In my thoughts you would stay.

I loved you, handsome, when i first stayed the night

60 miles away.. never been held so tight

never thought i’d be so encapsulated

by your energy’s lights.

I loved you, truly, when you relapsed again

all alone in your mind,

I watched you laugh and cry

dr jakyl and mr hide

I never thought I would leave your side.

I still loved you, the first time you went away

I was so scared, I wanted you to stay.

And, I still loved you when I told you my fears,

admitted my mistakes so we could have years.

AND I loved you, when we would have a child of our own

I couldn’t believe I would be better off alone.

AND i still loved you, when your love went cold

you yelled and you yelled, you started to look old.

AND I still loved you when you pushed me into the door

took advantage of my body, because you needed even more..

AND I once again loved you, with your hands around my neck

depleting my air supply, obscenities and tobacco breath

AND I still loved you, when the drugs took your brain

you became a zombie, a zombie full of rage

but I continued to let you eat me, so you could stay alive

everyday you watched the life drain from my eyes

But I would do anything to know you’d survive.

AND I still fucking love you, I miss you hurtful words and painful hands

I also miss your voice, and where your kisses always land

I miss your quirks, and your touch

The things I hate, the things I love

I hate myself for missing every piece of you

good bad or indifferent, I always loved you

AND I still loved you when you became a train wreck

ran me over so many times, I felt nothing left

except for my love for you, I felt that.