Heres a quick back story.
I am a recovering heroin addict.
I once faced a life full of drugs, abuse, job losses and institutionalization and incarceration.
Lost almost everything, went through the legal system, went through rehabilitation, graduated treatment court and nursing school. I am now and working nurse and mother.
A real mother, not just the title.
Sadly enough I’ve faced a similar problem that I’ve faced before, an abusive relationship.
I met a “good” man two years ago, when I first got clean. I was lonely, vulnerable, and insecure. I had nothing, but a clean day key tag and that’s it.
Well, now two years later the only thing I don’t have is a good relationship.
Over the past year my boyfriend became extremely abusive in all ways, progressively.
I have felt so torn down and useless, because I compared him to my ex and could not believe I was facing the same shit that got me where I was years ago.
I waited until I finished nursing school to decide to leave.
After getting hit in the face multiple times while he was driving home, before I got my paycheck, the police were called and I pressed charges.
I am feeling some awful feelings similar to when I was empty and using.
It’s a harsh reality to face when you are clean.
I put a restraining order on him, but I’m feeling rather sad about it.
I have been working an awful lot so I won’t think about it.
I thought I met someone who would be good for me. I don’t want to date again, I didn’t even want to date when I met him. That’s the problem.
I just feel sad without someone in my bed next to me, although I wasn’t happy.
It’s very bittersweet, I’m free of being controlled, but he has mind fucked me into believing he owns my body and my mind. I don’t understand why I miss someone so much that has been utter toxicity to my new life.
I am doing well in other aspects.
I am working my steps again, but I’ve been slacking on meetings.
I don’t want to live how I used to.
Trying to see his perspective and pain, gave me excuses for months. Although I believe he feels many things, It’s not truthful to the realistic view of how I’m seeing our relationships.
I don’t know.