The Ex-“Junkie” facing realities bullshit.

Heres a quick back story.

I am a recovering heroin addict.

I once faced a life full of drugs, abuse, job losses and institutionalization and incarceration.

Lost almost everything, went through the legal system, went through rehabilitation, graduated treatment court and nursing school. I am now and working nurse and mother.

A real mother, not just the title.

Sadly enough I’ve faced a similar problem that I’ve faced before, an abusive relationship.

I met a “good” man two years ago, when I first got clean. I was lonely, vulnerable, and insecure. I had nothing, but a clean day key tag and that’s it.

Well, now two years later the only thing I don’t have is a good relationship.

Over the past year my boyfriend became extremely abusive in all ways, progressively.

I have felt so torn down and useless, because I compared him to my ex and could not believe I was facing the same shit that got me where I was years ago.

I waited until I finished nursing school to decide to leave.

After getting hit in the face multiple times while he was driving home, before I got my paycheck, the police were called and I pressed charges.

I am feeling some awful feelings similar to when I was empty and using.

It’s a harsh reality to face when you are clean.

I put a restraining order on him, but I’m feeling rather sad about it.

I have been working an awful lot so I won’t think about it.

I thought I met someone who would be good for me. I don’t want to date again, I didn’t even want to date when I met him. That’s the problem.

I just feel sad without someone in my bed next to me, although I wasn’t happy.

It’s very bittersweet, I’m free of being controlled, but he has mind fucked me into believing he owns my body and my mind. I don’t understand why I miss someone so much that has been utter toxicity to my new life.

I am doing well in other aspects.

I am working my steps again, but I’ve been slacking on meetings.

I don’t want to live how I used to.

Trying to see his perspective and pain, gave me excuses for months. Although I believe he feels many things, It’s not truthful to the realistic view of how I’m seeing our relationships.

I don’t know.

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July 18, 2018

Please take gentle care of yourself. Perhaps you can do online meetings. I do NarAnon. My daughter is still in the throes of her opiod addiction. It’s been over 10 years. You deserve better in the man department. I will be thinking of you today.

July 18, 2018

As will I:)  Thank you for sharing.

You have the strength, and I know you will overcome the challenges before you. As suggested, online step meetings are everywhere … just remember that isolation can sneak up and grab hold of us when we have been beaten down, and I’m not just referring to physcially.

I love/hate these words, but they fit …. ‘One day at a time’ … You can do this<3

July 18, 2018

welcome to OD, it’s a good place to great place to be able to voice things you wouldn’t say elsewhere and get some feed back on it,

I am sorry for your struggles but it sounds like you are taking the right steps to get your life back, take care,

July 18, 2018

I’m so glad that you are here, every step forward is a positive one. I have loved ones who have suffered through the ravages of addiction, I am very proud of you for coming out the other side so positively. Don’t let the negatives of your ex-relationship drag you down, you will find a relationship that you deserve.

July 18, 2018

This guy is fucked up, and I wish a lot of times that I could meet these male abusers so that I can give them a taste of their own medicine as they try to pick on someone their own size.  Think positive and continue your life.