Moving Forward, LP Edition

In my last entry, I mentioned my relationship and at that time I was working through projections. Things did get better momentarily.

I have some pretty significant milestones coming up in the next 5 weeks:
My birthday, turning 38
One year since I started dating
One year since the Divorce was final
Apartment hunting becomes actionable

I’m now approaching the period where therapists say individuals are ready for a sincere relationship or it’s been going on for a couple of months now. When does something like that start anyway?

Also, how does one prepare for the next meaningful relationship when there are bound to be a litany of triggers that will create a history that wouldn’t otherwise happen? To counter my own point, it’s not as though the triggers are resolved after happening a single time. There are quite a few that would take another person. I was fairly meticulous about dating at the beginning of my new life. I signed up for an app and then reflected on it. I looked internally to see how I felt about some of the first profiles I viewed. I knew my first date was going to be weird and I would crush hard. I still underestimated the degree. I’ve gone places that I went with my ex and then followed that with a journal entry about what happened and how I felt.

These are helped by going through one milestone already which was one-year from filing for Divorce.

I am bound, determined to see my own patterns, and address them. It was humbling in one of my sessions to say, “usually I’m the master of patterns, yet I can’t spot my own.” I thought I needed help and I will for some things that happen.

My inspiration is the recent event of breaking up with my girlfriend. We met in August 2021 and broke up a couple of times before last night. I endured her putting words in my mouth to my daughter. She gave me an ultimatum about moving in together three months ahead of time. As a recovering alcoholic she hid alcohol from me. I called her out on lies, bluffs. I watched videos and saw pictures of her exes. Heck – she still had clothes of theirs in the closet and personal belongings in the nightstand I slept next to when I stayed the night. And she wants to get bent out of shape when I made a false accusation or spotted an empty bottle of vodka in a bag of garbage. The bag was in her closet – she didn’t even dispose of it properly. She ditched me on multiple occasions. She accused me of being judgmental. It was toxic. It was also cathartic.

I hope the next relationship is more fulfilling. If not, what’s the point of all this work? Worth mentioning, I’m playing catch up after being in a 14-year relationship. Hopefully, it only takes this one sincere relationship to get my mind right. I’m a quick study; patterns, Afterall.

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May 20, 2022

I also broke up recently with someone I met Sept 20201- it was with a narcissist. I also have a history of dating trash and emotional childhood neglect and  doing therapy. I’ve done EMDR and Somatic therapy. I recommend them. IFS therapy I found too triggering- like u need a good base of  a self-core for that. And if u’re a codepdent then having a core is not the strongest trait.

anyway- I found SLAA meetings quite helpful.

and yea definitely stay away from alcoholics – plus she also sounds like a mix of Cluster B personality disorders.

May 20, 2022

@bubblegum220 Thank you, I will look at those therapies and see if they’re something I can afford to try out. I’m up for trying different things for sure in the odyssey that is my life right now 🙂

I’ve been watching the show “Love” on Netflix and SLAA meetings are part of the plot. I’ll have to look and see if that’s something I should also consider.

And good guess – she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as a teenager. It is a gift and a curse from what I could tell; being so in touch with your emotions but so locked into the moment that it’s hard to see the big picture. She did go to therapy and consistently took medications when we were back together earlier this year… but not this last month or so.

May 20, 2022

It’s so disheartening to have to go through a messy relationship that has ultimatums, lies and general toxicity. You DO deserve a lot better than that.

Dating apps can be hit or miss. It may take some times to really find the right one and let things unfold

May 20, 2022

@anhmymuminah Thanks! It’s hard to believe sometimes but it’s true.

They are hit and miss. I’ve seen some work better for others but not me. I’m not sure if my opinion would be helpful because the experience between women and men is different:

I’ve met most people off Hinge but that might be due to the lack of information on each profile. I paid for a month of OKCupid and Bumble. OKCupid was a month before Valentine’s Day and had good, insightful interactions with a couple of people there. Bumble was during the month of April, and it was garbage. I just see dating apps as human nature on crack – people are always going to do what they do which is amplified in that setting because of the emotional nature of relationships. There’s a stigma to meeting people anywhere else though like the bar, gym, etc… which isn’t different from dating apps now that I think about it o.O