Last night I had a big S/H session. I know I shouldn’t have but it felt so good when I was doing it, like all the angry hurt was disappearing with every sweep. I’m not going to binge/purge tonight, I feel like I’ve eaten just enough, well maybe too much. It makes me feel sick just to think about it. I hate having such an immense lack of willpower, especially when I think of how strong I used to be. I need to get back to be that girl, the thin girl with the most willpower you ever did see. She’s in here somewhere, amongst the flab.
Me & Elle keep bickering. Ity doesn’t help me feel better. She doesn’t know I’m S/H again. I don’t use obvious methods. She asked me why I’m so stressed today. I tried to explain to her that at the moment I’m worried about college/uni/money/family/us/etc… to which she replied…”So how are you going to be when we have kids?” it’s like she doesn’t even try to understand what I’m going through, then we bickered some more. I love her, I mean really love her but at the moment I just feel like somtetimes I just don’t want to be with her, but then in the next breath I don’t ever want to be without her, she’s a part of me now. I think it’s probably just how I’m feeling at the moment, we’ll just have to see how it all is in 6 months time.