Remember When Part II

We have been back and forth since February 21 about saving our 20 year relationship.

You claim that you are all in. No more dating sites, no more Facebook sneaky link groups, no more extra circular sexual encounters. 100% is what you are giving.

I suppose I’m the wavering party…. I’m the hurt one. I’m the one that was blindsided. I feel like I’m the one that carries shame – she’s a fool to stay with him after what he did to her…..”Once a cheater – always a cheater”. I feel like I have to get help to work through a situation I didn’t create. I feel like you have gotten away without so much as a slap on the wrist. You haven’t had your heart broken, your ego burned, your entire world crumble…

I thought the other day that I was all in. I thought that I could forgive and not forget, but “move on”. I’m a strong believer in signs from the universe and took this song “Remember When” as a sign – the other night we were watching the Country Music Awards, and Alan Jackson stepped on stage to perform – he could have picked any song to perform but no, he chose to sing “Remember When” acapella style. And I knew as soon as he strummed the first strums that my heart would break. I could feel my bottom lip quiver, my face felt hot and flushed, and tears were brimming in my eyes…..See I have used this song as a forever reminder of what life is. A beautiful messy love story that requires work. I found myself having to walk away from you to sob silently in the kitchen. There I sat resting against the kitchen sink, tears streaming down my cheeks – and you never came…..in a perfect world – you would have found me, saw me sobbing, pulled in your arms, held me close, and danced with me in the kitchen. Validating this was a true sign – not a marijuana induced euphoric high…..but you didn’t. We sat in separate spaces listening to our love story playout in front of us….

Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we’d never give it up
Remember when

See those lyrics – “brought back the love, we found trust, vowed we’d never give it up, remember when” it keeps silently replaying like a broken record. But then I’m humbled and remember this is a love song written by a country musician, most likely to his wife….they aren’t singing our story – they are singing a cliche of sorts…

No longer can this be my anthem for us – not when I’m wavering…