Always showing up in my brain uninvited.

This song showed up in my Spotify playlist today. It made me think of you. My ex told you got in a little trouble for this, I would love to see this performance. I don’t know how he could ever say I don’t pay attention to him when he talks to me.

I remember Titanic was the last movie I saw with my mom and sister before my sister got sick and passed away. We were late and had to sit in the front row because it was so busy. I remember just as the scene with Jack and Rose getting it on in the car ended some kid behind me says; “Mommy why are they wet?” Everyone around started laughing, mommy he was too young to be here, good luck with that one.  Leo, I had the biggest crush on him too.

I am so done poking around this brain of mine. I don’t talk about my sister; I don’t really think about her much. It has been a long time, but I am thinking about her today.  She was my best friend. I think I was attached to her more than either of my parents. I was not prepared for the grieving.  I checked out of life for a while.

I didn’t know how to live in a world that she was no longer a part of.  This is why I keep a small social circle. I get deeply attached to people usually when I am not paying attention. I try to keep people at a distance, feels safe that way. If you don’t see me and I don’t see you, there is no attachment, and I don’t have to feel any pain. I can’t lose you. I have control this way. I like this plan.

It is too much pain.  My dad left me, my brother abused me, and my sister died. I have to feel all that pain.

When my sister died, I hated everyone, 16-year-old angry teenager is not nice. My brain told me that 27-year-old women don’t die like that. Ovarian Cancer at 27; died before she ever got to live.  There was no preventative healthcare in my family, someone was to blame for this. Everyone failed to protect me here. Everyone failed her. I learned I had to protect me. Constant racing thoughts trying to make sense of this. If my stepmom were not a dirty whore who stole my dad away, this would not be happening. My dad should have been a better man and not abandoned his family. Maybe my mom should have been a better wife and he would not have left. I don’t care that he left, my mom should have taken better care of my sister. My sister was 27, she was an adult for nearly 10 years.  She died and left me, and I hated her for it. She didn’t take care of herself and left me alone to feel that pain. I hated myself. Maybe I took too much, needed too much and she didn’t have time to take care of herself. Maybe if I were better my dad would not have left. Maybe it is my fault she was gone.  Crazy things you come up with as a child.

I hated everyone for stealing all future time away from me; time with the person I needed and loved so much. She was my mine and I needed her, and she left me.  The doctor told us she was going to die; we don’t know when but soon. It could be 6 weeks, it could be 6 months, but she is leaving you. They just set the ticking time bomb in my brain. This doom and gloom feeling always hovering over me like a dark cloud. You just feel it, this I can’t breathe or relax feeling.  Is today the day? Is today the day the person I love and need the most is going to leave me? They stole all future time, but they also stole current time. My parents decided it was in my best interest to go to school every day. I had no choice or control over it.  The only thing I learned in American Government class was how to hate everyone more today! My sister was dying, I cannot stop that, but I could spend every minute with her, and they took that time from me.

It was 30 days. I only got 30 days with her; it was the longest and shortest 30 days of my life. Every day I went to school and came home and waited for her phone call. She called to tell me who was picking me up to bring me to the Hospice Center to see her. It was a repeat every day. One day I came home from school and when she called, and I asked to stay home. I just didn’t feel like going that day. There was always so many people around and I really don’t know why that day I stayed home. I did nothing but lay in bed and watch TV. She told me it was ok and that she loved me, and I told her that I loved her. That was the last time I got to talk to her. I gave my time with her away that day. I did go see her the next day, but she was sleeping and never woke up again. The only thing I heard from her was the death rattle. The most horrible snoring sound anyone could make. She died that night, I was there. The first thing I felt was relieved. That doom and gloom feeling went away because it was done, and I didn’t have to wait anymore. Then I was broken for a while. I don’t remember a lot about that time.

My sister died in November 1998. I didn’t know God then, but he gave me my best friend that year. Her dad died in December 1998. We just natural gravitated to each other in gym class one of the days we both made it to school. It was like she was always there, we just connected instantly. I don’t really remember life without her. I didn’t know I was attached to her until I knew. She hurt my feelings one day and I knew. He gave her to me and 24 years later she is still mine. I just gravitated right to you; God must have told me. I just felt it. I trust my feelings and God.  He has plans I wish I knew what they were.

Here we are now my best friend is grieving again with me. Her little sister died in December, the same day her dad died. Crazy how those things happen, my dad died on my sister’s birthday.  37 years old and she died with COVID. If you could say a prayer for her that would be good. I keep everyone in mine.

Am I working on the forgiveness of self now?