I process in pieces, broken ones.
My Iron Lobster is now a Spotify playlist too.
9 more days and the dissolution will be final, taking back my innocence, legally. I am keeping my married name for my daughter and because that is a lot of paperwork; Ill change it when I remarry. My Aunt has been away out of state, she was very helpful to me during this process. She sent me a text a few days ago to let me know she was on her way back in about 2 weeks. She is looking forward to seeing me and my daughter. I am thankful for that. Rebuilding neural pathways in your brain is really painful, my head really does hurt sometimes. It’s like the 4th of July in there, just lighting up every area at once. Whose brilliant idea was that? The parenting plan goes into full effect soon, I am nervous about that. I don’t really have a choice. I think my ex will voluntarily give up weekday overnight visits as it will be inconvenient for him, but we will see. I would be ok with that; I want her to be where she is wanted. I started this diary with no real goal in mind, but I am trying to think about where to go with it. I usually do have a plan for everything. To not have a plan is odd for me. I am just trying to get in my feelings, breaking out the tape and glue for all the broken pieces. I am just grieving the death of an old life and rebuilding a new one, running my mouth helps me process even if no one is listening. I thought about sharing my identity because I don’t keep secrets, but it is not just my story; I have kids and I want to protect them. We will see maybe I can get some input on that. I will go by the name Jane; it is my middle name.
Am I protecting my children or protecting him? Am I enabling abuse by being anonymous? Am I allowing him to avoid accountability?
You gotta do what is best for you and your kids. Screw him.
Was I really just punishing myself? Why do I get to really live if she didn’t? You really wreck my brain.