Where am I?

I don’t know how I became so lost, so troubled, so f*cked up. I’m 19 years old, and my life has been crumbling for so long but without the effort to put it back together again, I have fallen down into a rabbit hole. Depression, Anxiety, Panic disorder, eating disorder, self harm, commitment issues but feeling so lonely. Being in a relationship that I don’t even care about while the real love of my life is moving to another country. Missing all my friends and family after making the choice to move to another city because ‘maybe I can live a better life here’. I need to stop being so greedy for more and just accept this is all I can get. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m living for, where I want to be or where I truly am in life… I’m so lost and I don’t know where to start to pull everything back together and heal.

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May 9, 2021

You’re 19. You are dealing with a lot at your age. You’re learning that certain behaviors don’t work and the answer to some of your problems is in your own writing. Start by stopping the destructive physical behaviors; they aren’t going to make you feel less lonely and just complicate your life. At 19, most people don’t find the love of their life. It’s great if you do, but it’s extremely rare.The last thing you should do at your age is settle for someone you’re not completely committed to. It’s not fair to yourself or the other person. “University” is one of your hashtags; are you in school? If so, concentrate on that, have (safe) fun, play the field, and don’t worry so much about finding yourself. It will come. You are still a teenager. I’m 66, reared a daughter, done and seen nearly all the mistakes one makes growing up. Even from the age of 25, when I got married, I’ve had to rethink and adapt. Above all, find out what you enjoy in life and go after that. It may be even that is not the final answer to happiness, but it will lead you to finding what is. Best of luck!

May 9, 2021

@solovoice thankyou for this. I appreciate the comments even though my entry is the ramblings of a moment where my emotions overwhelmed me. I really appreciate the wisdom and advice you’ve given me and will strive to be free-er and happier. Thankyou again.