I’m starting new here, since I can’t seem to remember my email / username from years ago. I guess that is what the Chiari does to my brain. Oh well, we all need a fresh start at some point, right? This will probably be a ramble, considering so much shit is going on in my brain at the moment..
The anxiety has returned.. after being absent for close to 12 years. I guess technically I did put myself in this position, so I must accept the consequences.
The problem, is when I fall for someone, I fall hard / fast. I knew I shouldn’t put myself in that position, because I knew it wouldn’t end well. Yet I did anyways, thinking “It’s ok, I will be able to handle this. I won’t catch feelings.” The problem isn’t that I am just lonely, and that she fills a void.. it’s that out of my “type” of women, she is literally everything I look for in a female. I’ll refer to her as “L”.
She’s amazing, down to Earth, very caring and absolutely stunning.
I’ve never been speechless when it comes to anyone’s looks, but with her… it’s like God was in my head, took the perfect woman, and walked her into my life.
The problem I’m faced with, is that she is in a relationship, and is moving countries in 2 weeks. I generally do wish her the best, and hope she is happy with him.. but it’s literally out of my hands. I’m not going to try anything considering she is taken.. but if she wasn’t, I would be all over trying to make a relationship with her happen.
I love our conversations. We text / voice call all the time. Before we know it, it’s been 10 hours.. Her voice, is so soothing. Her first language is Portuguese. Hearing her speak it, with her accent, just makes me melt. Her English is actually quite amazing.
I tell her all the time how weird it is how it’s like we are literally cut from the same cloth. We like, hate, enjoy all the same things. It’s like she is me, just the opposite gender. I literally can’t find ANYTHING about her, that I do not like. I hate that she is in a relationship at this moment, but that doesn’t mean it’s not meant to be. Only God knows that information. I believe in Fate, always have.. and this could be it, but just at the wrong moment in our lives. Only time will tell. But until that time, I can only dream right? If only…
Fuck.. I feel like I’m being teased with the one thing I want, but literally can’t have… Being alone and single sucks. I do have someone interested in me, but it’s not fair to them that I literally can’t get “L” out of my head, day or night. I have never been this fucked up over a woman.. and I fucking hate how she makes me feel inside, knowing I can’t have her. I can only pray and hope God has a plan for her in my life…