Another Shot, Another Ramble

I’m starting new here, since I can’t seem to remember my email / username from years ago. I guess that is what the Chiari does to my brain. Oh well, we all need a fresh start at some point, right? This will probably be a ramble, considering so much shit is going on in my brain at the moment..


The anxiety has returned.. after being absent for close to 12 years. I guess technically I did put myself in this position, so I must accept the consequences.

The problem, is when I fall for someone, I fall hard / fast. I knew I shouldn’t put myself in that position, because I knew it wouldn’t end well. Yet I did anyways, thinking “It’s ok, I will be able to handle this. I won’t catch feelings.” The problem isn’t that I am just lonely, and that she fills a void.. it’s that out of my “type” of women, she is literally everything I look for in a female. I’ll refer to her as “L”.

She’s amazing, down to Earth, very caring and absolutely stunning.

I’ve never been speechless when it comes to anyone’s looks, but with her… it’s like God was in my head, took the perfect woman, and walked her into my life.

The problem I’m faced with, is that she is in a relationship, and is moving countries in 2 weeks. I generally do wish her the best, and hope she is happy with him.. but it’s literally out of my hands. I’m not going to try anything considering she is taken.. but if she wasn’t, I would be all over trying to make a relationship with her happen.

I love our conversations. We text / voice call all the time. Before we know it, it’s been 10 hours.. Her voice, is so soothing. Her first language is Portuguese. Hearing her speak it, with her accent, just makes me melt. Her English is actually quite amazing.

I tell her all the time how weird it is how it’s like we are literally cut from the same cloth. We like, hate, enjoy all the same things. It’s like she is me, just the opposite gender. I literally can’t find ANYTHING about her, that I do not like. I hate that she is in a relationship at this moment, but that doesn’t mean it’s not meant to be. Only God knows that information. I believe in Fate, always have.. and this could be it, but just at the wrong moment in our lives. Only time will tell. But until that time, I can only dream right? If only…

Fuck.. I feel like I’m being teased with the one thing I want, but literally can’t have… Being alone and single sucks. I do have someone interested in me, but it’s not fair to them that I literally can’t get “L” out of my head, day or night.¬† I have never been this fucked up over a woman.. and I fucking hate how she makes me feel inside, knowing I can’t have her. I can only pray and hope God has a plan for her in my life…

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August 18, 2021

I fall hard and fast too….its a curse

August 18, 2021

@tycee It really is. I fucking hate it.

August 21, 2021

@cipher like¬†@ncumisa I read the other entry first. I still think you should tell her your feelings, but let her know you know she’s in a relationship and is she only want friendship that’s fine. By some chance if it doesn’t work out with the other guy she’ll have you in mind and maybe want to give a relationship with you a try.

August 20, 2021

Okay I should have read this entry before I commented on your ‘No Regrets’ entry.

Why, you may I ask? well in your following entry I tell you to go for ‘L’ and tell her how you feel and be all suave and sexy…but now that she has a partner I think this situation is a lil tricky. Of so forget the learning of Portuguese. But I suppose you should tell her how you feel and then ask her if she feels the same. But I would be careful since there is an active relationship which should be respected, but since you guys talk regularly and for hours there must be something there.

Oh an BTW many many years ago I had an open diary too…back when I was in Primary School (so the 90’s) and I don’t remember my details, so it is normal for everyone to be forgetful.