I recently wrote about grief, and the last few months have slowly brought me to a life of extreme anxiety and depression. I spent months, up all night after work wondering if I was going to die out of no where, what I would do if I lost someone else, and basically swimming in my own sober paranoia and sickness. I previously wrote about my friend Ryan, and how scared I was for him after seeing him back out there using heroin and meth again, running from the police. After that, the marshalls appeared asking if I knew his current where-abouts, in which I didn’t and I told them that. A month passes and he begins texting me day after day saying he felt he was dying and he needed help, I was so scared to be around him that i denied coming out there and called a family member of his to check on him. Ryan has always been good to me, always taken my side, always been there for me, and loved me better than any man I’ve even dated could. In mid november he was admitted to the hospital with a major infection of his aaorta. They were strongly worried about operating because not only was he a risk for an embolitic stroke, but he was also a heroin addict and they do not qualify for surgeries in New York. I called the hospital and said, “Are you ok Ryan? (Laughing awkwardly) Well you’re not are you… ” He responded, but his voice was in agony and broken sentences. I told him I loved him and I would be there in the next day.. He asked me to promise. He was in so much pain. That night was my boyfriends birthday that I nearly completely forgotten about due to Ryans illness. I was invited out to the casino in buffalo with my boyfriends parents to enjoy a rather not vegetarian friendly dinner that was extremely over priced and the slot machines. Mind you i had about $20 dollars in my account and was not spending more than ten dollars on the slot machines. The next morning we got snowed in and i called the hospital with no answer… the marshalls had taken over and he could have no visitors. I was heartbroken, they then put him into an induced coma so they could run the antibiotics on him without pain. It was too risky to do heart surgery. His kids mother and children were not allowed at the hospital and she desperately wanted to make her amends. The marshalls gave his mother power of attourney and left when they decided he obviously wasn’t getting better. I had hope that I could see him, but his mother that had abandoned him for years decided no one was allowed to see him but her and her ex husband. I was once again lost. I wanted to fulfill my promise to this person who always kept his for me. On november 18th his mother decided to pull the chord on him after his lungs repeatedly collapsed while trying to drain excess fluid. My beautiful best friend died in a coma, on a morphine drip, without saying goodbye to his kids. I then put up a fundraiser to support a memorial and money to his kids, because the family had decided against it.
November 21st, my sister came home from her boyfriends to attend the biggest court date she would have. She had been dabbling with drugs after being sober a year and becoming a recovery coach of new york. She had been taking a nerve pain pill called Gabapentin in massive doses to rid her anxiety, drinking kratom in big doses, using suboxone and most likely other things I did not know about. That morning my mom went with her to court to find out if she would be having further probation after graduating drug court. They decided she didn’t need probation. She walked in the door and screamed “Fuck you guys I’m off probation, hell ya, all you fuckers that talked shit, I’m so happy!” and my grandmother and mother both said how proud of her they were, she had told the judge he saved her life. I didn’t say anything, I looked at my mother in horror as she happily ignored my look. She then took off in my mothers new car and that’s the last time I would ever see her alive. I didn’t realize she had left, my mother also and I asked my grandmother where she had gone when my daughter and I had realized she wasn’t in her room. She had left so happy. I got up to leave because i was taking my daughter to her fathers family dinner. I began driving and picked him up, suddenly my car stalled out and all the warning lights appeared on my car. I pulled over and started driving again. I suddenly felt an enormous pressure come over me, anxiety and sensitivity I had never felt before. I asked shane if he could drive and then it stopped. I began worrying about whitney, and then her boyfriend called me asking If I had talked to her. He said she had droven an hour away to buffalo and he was worried. I called her with no answer, I knew she was gone. I called my home phone and asked if mom was home and to have her call me, I even posted a status asking if anyone had seen my sister. I told Tyler if she didn’t respond she had passed away and overdosed. At six I got the call that she had been found in a parked car behind a credit union, dead. I became weak and almost fell to the ground, I got dizzy and couldnt breathe. I felt like I was too going to die. The whole family of my daughters got quiet, and my daughters father started going nuts, screaming “shes dead?” I was driven home to my family where the police had just been. She had decided she was going to get high one last time, but her boyfriend was tied up and couldn’t make it. She did one bag of fentynl and didn’t survive.
My sister, died at age 20
My best friend, died at age 36.
Just remember the last one can kill you.