Your journey to die

I honestly can’t remember when you were born, I just remember wanting to be an only child.

From a young age I wanted all the attention I could get, and there you were all new and shiny stealing my mothers time.

What I maybe lacked to see as a bestfriend, was a sibling that I used to my liking without hesitation.

I wanted to see my friends alone, while you just wanted to join.

I wanted my toys and yours, and to play everything first, you always let me.

You looked up to me eternally, forever. But when you grew out of my world you began to resent the love i failed to show you.


Every step I made, you silently followed, curiously diverging into many lives only the devil would smile at behind us.

My own rebellious nature drove me deeper into selfish intentions surrounded by greed and naive blinders, I never noticed or cared to notice you on my shadows end.

My life began to turn dark and represented only nothing but the circumstances I had created. Once a truly beautiful painting of potential gone sour and there you were prepared to but to scared to turn around.

How could you not resent the sister that didnt see anything but herself.

How could you take credit for the doomsday she created that you helped build without a single shred of knowing or accountability?

When the walls went up my blinders came down and the world turned into a place of truth and wisdom. The poisons had left my system and the neurons in brain began to regain control over my body. I slowly began to see color in nothing but an eight by eight, but there alone I regained the strength I needed.


You were lost in confusion. Now also alone in a block, wondering why you followed, what went wrong. You didn’t understand the wave of emotions that continued to erupt into tsunamis of anger over and over.

You were too young to understand. To unmarked, always shielded by the girl in front of you with calm composure, accepting the blades of her own demise without succumbing completely. Little did I know I was shielding you from pain, but creating a lack of tragic experience you needed to survive alone.

There I was, flourishing on the outside. Was I always internally? Not one bit, but my attempt was sporadic and as passionate as the last twenty years of life I had been and this last shot would propel me much further than any of the shots to the arm I took would.

There you were, confused and feeling alone. You were treated like a child. You tried to get better,  but you got sicker and that devilish voice never seemed to leave.

You felt uncontrollable, outbursts of madness clouded your judgment and you were so confused you lashed out all the people trying to help you because you knew you couldnt help yourself. You began to isolate and turn to the only person that loved you despite your faces. He too lived a similar life, but lived enough to know there was light.

Two people both lost and confused with a common denominator of a breathing dragon down their necks. They fought together, lost separately, lost together and won apart.

Eventually you lost, little sister.

You left behind that girl you were at twelve, that saw everything as a challenge.

You left behind two years of struggling to find a spiritual realm that would free you from the contexts of your own consciousness.

You left behind a family that never got to save you, because they couldn’t.

But in the end you won, you found freedom in the wind, spirituality in the moon and the universe, you became less of a women and more of a glowing light that found itself able to come out of the dragons mouth of fire. You are the light of hope that is instilled into the recovery of each individual that loves you. You are a surrounding love of infinite understanding and togetherness that we failed to find.

In this factual perception of what’s in front of me, I feel virtually alone in an all enclosed illusion partial to my own spiritual journey.

Little do I know you encompass me, and now guide me through the darkness I had once decided was weaker than I. My demons maybe be strong and so am I, but together we can defeat them. You will not shadow me, but light me brighter to continue I influencing the people I need in this world to grow and continue my journey with you in the infinite afterlife.



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February 24, 2019

Question…..Are we all not born to die and what happens on our journey is just a fight to live?

February 25, 2019

Very powerful piece.

Again, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.